The Proposal
by Detective Olivia Stabler
Summary: Olivia and Alex have been together just over eight months and things are going really well. But when Alex realizes that Olivia still needs something that she just cannot provide, she will ask Elliot to do the unthinkable. An AO/EO adventure.
1. 1 Trouble In Paradise

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter One: Trouble In Paradise)_

Olivia opened her eyes in the darkness and reached to feel the empty bed beside her. She sat up slowly and squinted as she looked at the clock. She made her way down the hall to find Alex sitting on the sofa with a stack of papers in front of her and her laptop sitting in her lap.

"I thought you were asleep," Alex said looking up at her as the glow of the computer screen reflected off her glasses.

"I was," Olivia sighed combing her fingers through her wavy dark hair. "Until I woke up alone. I thought this was supposed to be our vacation? It is three o'clock in the morning. We should be sleeping….or…something."

Alex lowered her glasses to stare at the brunette as Olivia smiled at her.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm busted," she laughed.

"We only have one more day here in Cancun before we have to go home."

"I know," Alex replied. "But I have to be in court first thing Monday morning and I thought I could get a little trial prep done."

"Lex, come on. You were the one that said we needed a break from work in the first place," Olivia said as she curled up on the sofa beside her. "Take a break," she whispered against Alex's ear as she playfully bit her earlobe. "Come back to bed. I'm all alone in there."

"Aww," Alex mocked as she stole a kiss.

Olivia smiled.

"Actually, I'm awake now," Olivia replied. "I think I'm gonna go enjoy that Jacuzzi tub before we have to leave."

Alex watched as Olivia made her way across the room. She stopped at the hall entrance and pulled her tee shirt over her head tossing it back onto Alex's lap top. Alex raised her head to look at Olivia standing there wearing only her black lacy boy short panties. Alex moved her eyes up the curve of Olivia's body and over her bare back.

"I'm locking the door in twenty seconds," Olivia whispered with a wink then continued down the hall to the bathroom.

* * *

Olivia exhaled softly as she laid back against the beach blanket and dropped her sunglasses over her eyes. The beautiful Mexican sun poured it's warmth over her golden bikini clad skin.

"Do you need more lotion?" Alex asked with a seductive smile.

"No," Olivia answered softly. "I want to get in some sun while were here."

"You have gotten sun every day since we go here. I just wouldn't want you to burn."

"I don't burn," Olivia said as she rolled onto her stomach and untied the back of her bikini top. "Try not to worry so much." She reached over and brushed Alex's long blonde hair from her shoulders.

"You're lucky. I burn nearly every time I get in the sun. Most women here are using tanning lotion and I am applying sun block every two hours."

"Awww," Olivia replied making a frown face. "Would you like me to rub some sun block on your shoulders?"

Alex smiled as she placed the bottle of sun block in Olivia's hand. Olivia sat up on the blanket as she tied the back of her bikini back in place. She raised her sunglasses and sat them on top of her head, then squirted a bit of the lotion in her palm and began to massage it into Alex's shoulders.

"You have so much tension in your back and shoulders. You should lie down and let me give you a real massage."

"Maybe you should just focus on the shoulders for now. At least until we get back to our room."

Olivia laughed. "You're probably right."

Olivia smoothed the lotion over Alex's back then settled back into her place on the blanket.

"It's so quiet here," she said as she pulled her sunglasses back down over her eyes once more.

"Precisely why I chose this resort."

"Have you been here before?" Olivia asked.

"Spring break, sophomore year of college."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But the resort wasn't nearly this nice then and neither was the company."

"Good answer," Olivia said with a smile.

Olivia closed her eyes and within a few minutes she had fallen asleep in the sun.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" Olivia groaned as she opened her eyes.

"You have been sleeping for half an hour. You're starting to snore."

"I don't snore."

"Yes, you do. But I think it is cute. What do you say we head back to the room and I'll give _you_ a massage?"

"Now that sounds like a plan," Olivia said with a smile.

That night Olivia laid beside Alex in bed wrapped only in a sheet.

"Are you alright?" Alex asked.

"I'm fine. Why?"

"You have just been so quiet and it kind of seemed like maybe you were somewhere else."

"No, I'm just really tired. Things have been so nice and relaxing here, I guess I am kind of dreading going back to work in a few days."

"Me, too. Although it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again."

Olivia smiled and kissed Alex tenderly as she turned off the lamp beside the bed.

"Liv, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"And I want you to be completely honest with me. Even if the answer is one you don't think I will like."

Olivia laughed nervously. "What's up?"

Alex stared into her eyes.

"Do you miss it?"

"Miss what?"

"You know, _it_. The sex. Being with men?"

"Alex…I like what we have. I love you."

"I love you, too. But I get the feeling that something is missing for you."

"Alex, everything is great."

"Olivia, we have been together for just over eight months and practically living together the entire time. I can tell. I can see it when we make love, something is missing. I want you to be happy, Liv."

"I'm happy with you."

Alex smiled as she wrapped her arm around Olivia's waist.

"So you don't miss sex with men? It is completely different."

"Well, maybe a little."

"Olivia?"

"Sometimes I miss it, yes. What we have is amazing and I am crazy about you, Lex. But I can't help but crave that too. I mean, there is only so much a piece of plastic can do. Sometimes you need the real thing. Don't you ever want a man?"

"Sometimes I do. But I want you more."

Olivia smiled.

"What if you could have both?" Olivia asked watching Alex's reaction.

"You mean a threesome?"

"I don't really know what I mean. Just, maybe it is worth trying if it is something that we both want."

"I don't really think that I really want to be with men."

"This is silly to just sit around talking about it like this."

"It that something you would be interested in?"

"It doesn't matter, Alex. Not if you're not."

"I don't want to have sex with a man, Liv. But we could still find a guy and bring him home and do things. Then you could get what you _need_."

"What are we talking about here, Alex? Picking up some strange guy in a bar for a one night thing?"

"What? Have you never had a one night stand?"

"Once or twice."

"It would be just like that. Only I would be there with you, too."

"You're serious?"

"Olivia, we live in New York. People do things a lot stranger than this all of the time. It could be a lot of fun. And it is the only way I can think to get you some…."

Olivia placed her fingertips over Alex's mouth and smiled.

"I know what I would get," she laughed.

"It would be better this way. Some smoking hot stranger, a couple shots of tequila and one night of sex none of us will ever forget. Besides, two attractive women looking to hook up with a guy for one night of commitment free sex….that is every straight man's fantasy. Hell, it just might be one of my fantasies, too."

"Are you sure that you really want to do this?"

"Yeah. We could have a lot of fun with this. Come on, Liv."

"Okay. But no nasty guys. He has to be attractive. Young and hot with a smoking body, would be ideal."

"I'll tell you what, you can pick the guy. After all, you are going to be the one who is actually having sex with him. You pick someone who meets your standards, then we will make our little proposal. It is a shame we didn't think of this earlier, we could have made this a Cancun adventure."

"Adventure?" Olivia laughed. "You make this sound like an African safari."

"In a way it is a safari, a sexual safari."

"We should probably get some sleep," Olivia said with a laugh. "We have to be at the air port early tomorrow morning."

"Yes dear," Alex mocked as she kissed Olivia once more. "Good night, Olivia. I love you."

"Night, Lex. I love you, too."

That night as Olivia slept strange thoughts invaded her dreams. What had started out a completely innocent dream quickly transformed into a sex dream. She and Alex were in bed together with a man. A man Olivia knew all too well and had actually been in bed with before.


	2. 2 Ladies Night

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Two: Ladies Night)_

Alex watched as Olivia reapplied her lipstick and fixed her hair in the bathroom mirror.

"Would you stop fidgeting? You look beautiful."

Olivia tipped her head and smiled at Alex.

"Maybe I don't want to look beautiful. Maybe, I want to look hot."

"You do," Alex replied.

At the table Olivia's eyes scanned the room looking for her prey. Alex, however focused her attention on Olivia. Olivia looked down at her phone as it began to vibrate against the table.

"It's Elliot. He wants to know what I am doing," she said as she fired off a reply.

"You're not actually telling him are you?"

Olivia smiled as she stared over at Alex.

"Why not? Lex, he is my best friend. He doesn't judge. I tell him everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

"Every-_thing_?"

Olivia laughed.

"Okay, maybe not everything. Definitely no details. But he knows that we…."

"Have sex?"

"Yes. Elliot knows that we have sex. We practically live together, I am sure that even if I hadn't told him he would have figured it out on his own by now."

"His opinion means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

"Alex, he is my best friend."

"And your ex-boyfriend."

"Are you jealous?"

"Should I be?"

"No. It was a fling, really. Just something to pass the time when he and Kathy split up. We quickly learned that we were better off just as friends. He went back to his wife. Then I met you."

"Met me? We have known each other for seven years."

"Yes. But we didn't really _know_ each other until about eight months ago when we got together."

"Look who's here," Alex said as Elliot walked up behind Olivia.

"Can I buy you ladies a drink?" He asked as he sat down beside Olivia.

"I won't turn down a free drink," Alex replied with a smile.

Four rounds of tequila and three or four beers later both woman had become a little side tracked. They sat joking and laughing with Elliot as he kept giving Olivia looks across the table.

Olivia stood up from the table.

"Where are you doing?" Alex asked looking up at her.

"Ladies room, I'll only be a minute. You guys want me to grab you another beer on the way back?"

"Sure," Alex replied.

"Sounds great," Elliot said as she smiled and excused herself from the table.

About ten minutes later Olivia returned from the bathroom and made her way to the bar to get their drinks. As she waited for the bartender to bring her the beers she noticed no one was sitting at their table. Her eyes scanned the room for a moment before finding Elliot and Alex dancing together in the corner.

She smiled and laughed a little.

"Obviously Alex's idea," she noted softly to herself remembering that Elliot didn't normally like to dance.

Olivia turned her attention back to the bartender as he got the beers one at a time and flirted with her.

Across the room Elliot felt like a fool trying to keep up with Alex. As she moved and spun around her hair moved around her face. Here, in this place where she was relaxed and so easy going, Elliot easily tell why Olivia found her attractive.

"Are you having a good time?" Alex asked looking over at him.

"Yeah, I am. Beats sitting at home alone."

"There is something that I would like to talk to you about….if you don't mind. Can I buy you a drink?"

Elliot looked confused for a moment as she took him by the hand.

"Come on, I don't bite."

"Alright," he said as she lead him by the hand to the bar.

Olivia made her way back to the table and sat down alone. The song they Elliot and Alex were dancing to had ended nearly ten minutes ago and now they seemed to have disappeared into the crowd of strangers in the club. She took another drink of her beer as she picked at the label with her fingertip. She exhaled softly and looked around the room once more wondering where they had gone. Olivia pulled out her cell phone and sent a text to Elliot asking where they had gone. She felt the phone vibrate in her palm and looked up again after reading the words. _'At the bar.'_

She directed her attention to the bar once more as Elliot nodded in her direction. He looked back at Alex and nodded as they stood up. Elliot turned and began to walk toward the table as Alex walked into the ladies room.

"What was that all about?" Olivia asked as he sat back down at the table beside her.

"Just a little friendly conversation."

"Elliot…really?"

"Yeah. She was a….explaining to me the predicament the two of you are in."

"Oh my God," Olivia said placing her palm against her forehead. "She didn't."

"Oh….she did," Elliot replied taking another drink from his beer bottle.

"El, I am so sorry. She shouldn't have brought you into this. It is….well, private. I'm really sorry if she offended you."

"Relax, Liv. I'm not offended. I just, I guess I didn't see it coming, that's all. I thought things were really good between the two of you."

"They are. It is just something different, I guess. I don't know how to explain it. What did you tell her?"

"I said, okay."

"Okay?" Olivia shook her head. "You told my girlfriend that you would have sex with me?"

"Liv, we have been together before. And it was hot. I don't know what you are so worried about. Alex said she would rather it be me than some stranger. Because you trust me, she trusts me."

"And she said she is okay with us….you know."

Elliot laughed.

"I was a little shocked too, at first. But yes. Alex seems to be fine with it."

"And you're okay with it?"

"Yes. Liv, it is no secret that I am still very attracted to you. And if this is the only way to get close to you, then I am okay with that. It is sex. Very good sex, as I remember. And frankly, it has been quite a while since I have had sex. But I have to say this is the first time I have ever received an offer like this one. At first I thought she was joking."

"I guess it doesn't happen very often. A woman's girlfriend approaches you in a bar and asks you to have sex with her partner. It does sound pretty strange."

"I know. Sex with tow amazingly attractive women, it is every man's fantasy. I guess I never really thought about it until tonight. Dreamed about it maybe, but had never been seriously propositioned. To be completely honest, I probably wouldn't do it at all if it wasn't you."

"Alex asked you to have sex with both of us?"

"Yeah. We are all supposed to head back to the apartment when she gets back. She said you were okay with this."

"I was….I am. I just didn't realize that….when we talked about it, she said she wasn't interested. She wanted me to find a guy for a one night stand. That was why we came here. I just didn't realize that we were both going to be with the same guy….at the same time."

"Liv, we don't have to do this. If you don't want to just let me know and I'll just tell her I changed my mind."

"No. No, if this is what she wants….I want her to be happy. Maybe it is some sort of fantasy of hers."

"Maybe."

"Maybe what?" Alex asked as she approached the table once more.

"Nothing," Olivia insisted. "We were just talking about tonight."

"Did he tell you he is in?"

"Yes, he did."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Baby, if you have changed your mind we don't have to do this."

"No. I'm good. It sounds good. Like a lot of fun."

"Okay," Alex said with a smile. "Shall we?" She asked picking up her jacket from the back of her chair.

Elliot and Olivia stood up and followed her toward the door.

Olivia sat quietly between them in the back seat.

"Driver, can you stop at the all night drug store on the corner, please? I will only be a second," Alex asked pointing at the store.

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'm gonna run in and grab some condoms _and stuff_," she taunted trying to make it sound all mysterious and sexy.

She kissed Olivia tenderly then climbed out of the cab. Olivia pressed her lips together nervously as she noticed the driver watching her in the rear view mirror.

"He's staring at me," she whispered softly to Elliot.

"Probably never seen a hot woman be kissed by another woman before. That is the stuff that only happens in porn tapes and wet dreams."

"Elliot," she said jabbing him in the ribs with her elbow as they both laughed.

"You really want to mess with his head?" he asked as he stared into her eyes and smiled.

Elliot leaned closer and cupped his hand against the side of her face as he pulled her closer and kissed her passionately for the first time in nearly a year. Olivia whimpered softly in protest, but too weak to really fight him off as the driver stared from the front seat.

When the kiss broke Elliot sat staring deep into her eyes.

"You know that the only reason I agreed to this was for the chance to be with you. I don't care about Alex. But I know you do," Elliot said softly as he traced his fingertip over her strawberry lips.

Olivia took a deep breath and slid back into her space in the seat. She tried hard not to look at him or react to him or breath him in. She was in love with Alex, she told herself. And this thing with Elliot was just for tonight.


	3. 3 And Then There Were Two

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Three: And Then There Were Two)_

Olivia's apartment was the closest, so that became their destination. As they stepped off the elevator, Alex pulled out her key to Liv's apartment. She lead them down the hall and unlocked the door, tossing her keys onto the table beside the door. Before Elliot could even close the door she had pushed Olivia playfully against the wall and was kissing her passionately.

"Lex," Olivia said pushing her back a bit. "I was thinking maybe we could have some wine first. To kind of help set the mood. It always makes me feel more sexy."

"Okay," Alex whispered giving her a quick tender kiss.

Alex moved to the kitchen and set out three glasses on the counter as she began to fill them with Olivia's favorite red wine.

Olivia shifted her eyes to meet Elliot's as she pressed her lips together. She combed her fingers through her hair and took her jacket off hanging it in the closet beside the door. She picked up Alex's as well placing it on the hanger beside hers.

"Can I take your jacket?" She asked reaching to take Elliot's from him.

"You don't have to be nervous," he said softly as he smiled at her. "This is supposed to be fun. Try not to worry so much."

Olivia forced a smile as she closed the closet door.

"I'm not worried," she said as she walked to the kitchen and climbed up on a bar stool taking the glass of wine from Alex.

"So, umm….do we want to talk about this and sort of plan it out. Or just walk back there and figure it out as we go along?" Elliot asked only half joking.

"Do you always plan out sex before you have it?" Alex asked looking at him.

"No."

"It is a force of nature, Detective Stabler. Just let it happen. Allow yourself to react to what you feel. Sex is a beautiful, natural thing."

"Yeah. I have just never done anything like this, so I'm not quite sure of the rules and boundaries."

Alex laughed a little and rolled her eyes as she took a sip of wine from her glass.

"Maybe we should talk about it, Alex. I have never done this either."

"Well, neither have I. I guess we will just have to figure it out as we go along. But I got plenty of condoms and lubricant and this heated massage oil. And we have all weekend to figure it out. So relax and drink and prepare yourselves for an incredible night of endless pleasure," she said with a laugh. "Does anyone have a fantasy?"

Olivia shook her head.

"Nope," Elliot answered. "I think this pretty much covers it."

"If the two of you will excuse me," Olivia said taking her glass of wine and standing from the barstool, "I am going to change into something more comfortable."

"That sounds nice," Alex said leaning across the counter to kiss her tenderly.

Elliot wasn't quite sure of the purpose of this kiss. Whether to stake her claim on Olivia or their night of sexy fun had already begun and she was trying to turn him on. If this was the case, it was working.

Elliot watched as Olivia pulled back from the kiss and smiled at him before heading down the hallway to her bedroom to prepare for the events yet to come.

"More wine?" Alex asked raising the bottle to fill Elliot's glass as he sat it empty back onto the counter.

"You trying to get me drunk and take advantage of me?"

"Maybe. But the truth is, I am more interested in her."

Elliot gulped and stared at the blonde.

"That's alright, so am I."

"Now that we have that out of the way," she said placing a wine saver in the bottle and putting it away. "I'm not trying to be rude here. I just want you to understand what is going on. I wouldn't want you to confuse anything that might happen here tonight for a love connection on either part. We're together and we're in love. But she needs something, sexually, that I cannot give her. That is why I asked you to come back here with us. I know the two of you had something. I know that you can give her what she needs. I love her. I only want to make her happy."

"So you want to watch her have sex with me?"

"I want to give her whatever it is that makes her happy."

"I guess I understand that. I have never been in that situation before, but I understand loving someone so much that you would do anything to keep them happy."

"You asked where the boundaries were, between these walls there are none. I love her and I would do anything for her. Even if that means arranging nights like this."

"Am I going to have to do this all on my own?" Olivia asked from the bedroom. "In thirty seconds, I am starting without you."

"I guess we'd better get back there," Elliot said looking down the hall in the direction from which her voice had come.

* * *

Elliot opened Olivia's bedroom door as she smell of her seductive body spray filled the aid. The flicker of candles scattered around the bedroom provided the soft glow setting a romantic mood.

Olivia always liked romantic sex. Elliot remembered this from when they were still together. Wine and roses, a few candles here and there were sure to put her in the mood. Alex, on the other hand was a little harder to read. From what Elliot could gather, she liked being in control and was probably the more dominant in the relationship between the women. Elliot wasn't quite sure, but his guess was she preferred the more toward the aggressive side of sex.

He walked across the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed. Olivia was still in the bathroom and Alex tapped gently on the door requesting her presence in the room.

"Liv, are you ready?" She asked as she pulled her boots off.

Olivia opened the door and stood in front of them in her sexy lingerie. She wore black thigh high stockings with a black lace garter belt. Over that were her black lace bikini underwear and a short black lace skirt. Elliot tipped his head as his eyes scanned her body. All the way up to the black suspenders and matching black lace bra. She was so incredibly hot and every eye in the room was on her amazing curves.

"So," she said softly, "are we ready to get this party started?"

"Definitely," Alex said as she moved forward kissing her girlfriend.

Elliot watched in awe as they kissed tenderly and touched each other. Olivia smoothed her hands around Alex's ass and up under the blouse she wore pulling it over her head and dropping it into the floor.

He was fascinated by the fact that Olivia had just taken back control of the room from Alex and she was now calling the shots. Alex sighed as Olivia began to unzip her skirt, leaving her in a short black negligee. Alex kissed her again as she smoothed her hands up under Olivia's short skirt to grip her perfect ass. Then they just stopped, both turning their attention to Elliot sitting there trying not to drool.

Alex turned Olivia to face him and stood behind her. She kissed up the side of Olivia's neck and moved her hands slowly over her body as Olivia moaned softly. Elliot's breath caught in his throat as she smoothed one hand over Liv's flat abdomen and pulled her hips back against her. With the other hand she firmly grasped Olivia's left breast above the bra.

Olivia moaned again and opened her eyes to stare at Elliot. Alex kissed across Olivia's shoulder and neck, then began to nip at her earlobe. Elliot know this was something that drove Olivia crazy. Alex wrapped her arms tight around her girlfriend and nestled her cheek in against Olivia's as they both stared at Elliot.

"Do you want her?" Alex asked dragging her finger tip up Olivia's flat stomach.

"God, yes."

Elliot gulped and watched as Alex lead Olivia to him. Liv stood in front of him staring into his eyes as he reached out to touch her.

"You are so beautiful," Elliot said softly as he placed a kiss on her abdomen.

He smoothed his hands up under the short strip of fabric serving as her skirt, to grip her ass. Olivia moaned and combed her fingers through his hair as she stared into his eyes.

She placed her fingertip against his chest and pushed him back from her. She stepped forward and straddled herself over his lap as she sat down on the bed. Elliot's hands were drawn almost magnetically back to her ass as she began to unbutton his shirt.

He leaned upward desperately trying to steal a kiss, but she wouldn't allow it. Olivia pulled his shirt off and dropped it into the floor behind her. She leaned forward and pushed him back against the bed and smoothed her hands over his bare chest. Elliot could his erection throbbing between them and begging to be set free and he could tell by the look in her eyes that she felt it as well.

Olivia leaned forward tracing her nose over his as she finally allowed him entrance to her mouth. Elliot kissed her passionately as he raised one hand to cup her cheek and trace her jaw line.

"Tell me what you want," she whispered against his lips as she stared into his eyes.

"I want you. All of you," he said raising up for another kiss.

Olivia leaned forward to kiss him as she reached between them and fumbled with his belt. Elliot stared up at her as he felt his jeans pull down his legs and fall into the floor.

"That's better," Olivia said with a smile as she began to pull back from him.

"Where are you going?" He gasped as she laughed playfully.

She sat up and smiled over at Alex as she reached out for her.

"Don't be shy," Olivia said softly as she locked her fingers between Alex's. She kissed her tenderly then smiled down at Elliot. "Kiss her."

Elliot stared at Olivia for a moment then smiled a little uneasy as he looked at Alex.

"She doesn't bite, El. Not unless you want her to." She smiled again. "Kiss her."

Elliot held on to Olivia's waist as he sat up. He sat with her still on his lap and looked at her as she nodded. Elliot leaned closer to Alex and placed his fingers under her chin as he pressed his mouth to hers. The kiss was slow, but passionate and Alex had almost forgotten how a good kiss from a guy felt.

Elliot backed away from Alex as Olivia leaned in to kiss her again. Elliot watched amazed as the two women kissed and explored above him. Olivia moved off of his waist as she lured Alex back onto the bed and the three of them laid there together for a while kissing and touching and exploring each other.

"We should get one of these on you," Olivia suggested as she tore open the first condom wrapper of the evening.

She leaned over Elliot and kissed her way down his chest as she took charge of condom duty.

"Lex?" She purred softly as she reached for Alex. "Show her, El. Show her how you love me."

Elliot nodded his head as he stared into Olivia's eyes. Part of him didn't completely understand why if he was so hung up on her he was about to have sex with Alex, but the other part really didn't care as long as it made Olivia happy.

Olivia guided Alex over Elliot's waist. She moved her hands up under Alex's gown removing her panties and dropped them beside Elliot's boxers in the floor.

"Kiss her," she directed as Alex leaned forward over him and the kissed once more.

When she sat back up she slid down onto him, moaning softly as she did. Olivia snaked her arms around Alex's waist and brushed her fingertips gently over her abdomen. She kissed the side of her neck tenderly and she moved Alex against Elliot and they both began to moan.

Alex rolled her head to one side and gasped as Olivia's fingers dipped under her gown. Olivia kissed her passionately and moved her hands up under the gown to cup and massage Alex's breasts as she entered what was very obviously an orgasm. She pulled the gown over Alex's head and dropped it beside them on the bed as she locked their fingers together and placed their hands against Elliot's chest. As she pushed Alex against him.

Alex leaned back to kiss Olivia as she guided Elliot's hand up Olivia's thigh.

"Your turn," she sighed as she kissed Olivia once more.

Olivia reached over to the night stand picking up a second condom. Alex moved from Elliot and watched as Olivia put on the second condom. She kissed her way up Elliot's chest until his mouth rested against hers.

"Are you okay?" She asked with a sexy smile.

"I'm good," he replied reaching for her.

Elliot pulled Olivia to him as he sat up and traced his fingers over her body. Her golden skin was electric at his fingertips and he had to touch every inch of it. Elliot straddled her over his waist and stared into her eyes as he squeezed her perfect ass with both hands. He smoothed his hands up the curve of her hips and across her perfectly toned abs.

Olivia closed her eyes and tipped her head back just enjoying the feel of his touch on her body once more. Secretly deep inside she had yearned for this for months. His touch, this touch, the touch that only Elliot could provide could satisfy this need that even she didn't quite understand.

Elliot snaked one arm around her waist holding tight to her as he placed his other palm behind her head. In one quick movement he flipped them around and laid her down on the bed.

Olivia now stared up at him, waiting for him to take her the way he had many nights in her dreams. Dreams Alex knew nothing about.

She drew in a deep breath and opened her palm reaching out and placing it against Alex's. Olivia smiled seductively at her as she leaned forward and kissed Olivia. Elliot kissed under her chin and down her neck, trailing kisses all the way down her body.

He slid his hands slowly up her calf muscles over the black stockings until they had dipped under the short skirt. He slid two fingers under each side of her black lacy panties and slowly removed them from her body.

Elliot stared up at her as he smoothed his hand across her inner thigh, causing goose bumps over her warm skin. He ran his finger tip along the elastic band at the top of one of her thigh high stockings and kissed where it touched the inside of her thigh.

Olivia closed her eyes once more, quivering beneath him in anticipation. She pressed her lips together firmly and let out a soft sigh as she felt his tongue enter her body. She rolled her head to the side to peer down at him and run her fingers through his hair.

Olivia arched her back up off the bed as she felt a feminine hand glide slowly up from the waist of the skirt and slipping under the black lace bra to cup her breast. Her ruby lips parted only for a moment before they were met by a pair wearing a different shade of rouge. Alex's kiss was firm and passionate, leaving Olivia wanting more.

Olivia moaned softly and raised up from the bed allowing Alex to remove the bra, then lowered herself back to bed to ride out the waves of the orgasm ripping through her body. She whimpered and gasped softly in attempt to contain her composure as she gripped the bed sheet in both hands. She closed her eyes feeling her body jerk uncontrollably in reaction to Elliot, each soft moan escaping between kisses from Alex.

Elliot raised up and smiled as he stared into her eyes. It had been so long since Olivia had even allowed him to think about her like this. He slid her knees apart with his hand and placed his mouth against her belly just above the waist of the skirt. He dragged his tongue slowly up her body as he kissed his way over her navel and upward where he focused his attention on her breasts. There was a place just under the curve of Olivia's left breast where a small beauty mark laid, this was one of Elliot's favorite places to kiss her and it drove her crazy.

Olivia laughed at the tickle of each kiss and smiled up at him. She raised up to kiss him again, but Elliot pulled away. He sat up and rolled her over on her stomach on the bed, then placed his hands on her hips and raised her as well. Olivia stood on her knees in the bed facing the wall with Elliot behind her.

He kissed a tender spot on her neck as he wrapped his arms around her and massaged her breasts. Olivia dropped her head back against his shoulder and let him take the lead. Anything he did with her at this point was fine by her.

She closed her eyes as she felt his hand slip under the skirt spreading her knees apart a little more. He pulled her ass back against him and bit at her earlobe.

"How bad do you want this?" he asked teasingly in her ear.

"Bad," she gulped as she clutched to his arm.

"Say please," he taunted.

"Please," she breathed as she gasped for air.

"Please, what?"

"Please, I want this."

"Want what?" he mumbled against her ear with a kiss.

"I want you. I…I want you, please."

Elliot chuckled a little.

"I'm here. What do you want me to do?"

"Ellll," she whimpered.

"I don't know if you don't tell me."

"Fuck me," she breathed.

"What was that? I can't hear you."

"Fuck me," she growled. "I want you to fuuuu…ck," she moaned as she felt the power of him entering her.

Instantly Olivia fell back against his chest turning her head to the side to kiss him as he moved inside of her. Her knees trembled beneath her on the bed and in that moment they had both forgotten about the third party in the bedroom.

Alex rolled over and studies Olivia's reaction to each smooth movement Elliot made inside of her. Her moans had never quite sounded this way when they made love. Alex reached out and slid her fingertips slowly up Olivia's right leg. Before it reached her thigh it was met by Elliot's hand and pushed slowly back down.

She watched as Olivia panted and moaned and begged for more. It was as if they didn't even realize she was in the room anymore. Alex took a deep breath and picked up her gown from the floor beside the bed, slipping it back on. She walked across the room to a chair beside the dresser and took a seat, lighting a cigarette to keep her company while she waited for her girlfriend back. Suddenly, this little game they had been playing didn't seem like much fun anymore.

For nearly an hour, Alex watched quietly from the chair as Elliot and Olivia made good use of the bed. They had made love in many different positions before finally finishing in missionary. Elliot laid over Olivia staring down at her and kissing her passionately as they both tried to catch their breath.

Finally Elliot rolled over beside Olivia in the bed as they both laughed for a moment in complete exhaustion. Olivia raised her hand to rest on the empty pillow where Alex had been laying before.

"Lex?" She asked raising up in the bed. "Hey, there you are." She smoothed her hand over the empty space and patted the be. "Come to bed," she said with a smile.

Alex put out her cigarette next to the half a pack that she had already smoked during their little performance. She stood up and made her way to the edge of the bed as she crawled up to lay beside Olivia. She reached out and cupped her hand against the side of Olivia's face.

"I love you," she whispered softly as she kissed Olivia tenderly.

Olivia laughed.

"I love you, too."

* * *

The next morning Alex awoke to the buzzing of her phone vibrating against the night stand. She opened her eyes to see Olivia still asleep facing her, with Elliot's arm locked around her waist. Alex took a deep breath and rolled her eyes as she sat up and grabbed the phone.

"Alexandra Cabot," she answered softly as she picked up her clothes from the floor and made her way into the kitchen careful not to wake Olivia.

She talked for a while and then argued with her boss as she dressed herself and started the morning coffee.

"Great," she spat slamming the phone shut and tossing it onto the counter as she poured herself a cup of strong black coffee.

"What was that all about?" She heard softly from behind her.

"Good morning, beautiful."

"Good morning," Olivia answered softly with a yawn.

Alex handed her the cup of coffee and poured herself another.

"So, are you going to tell me what is going on?" Olivia asked staring at her.

"Yeah. Umm, that was my boss. One of my idiot clients was arrested in Connecticut and he wants me to go."

"When?"

"Now."

"You're kidding me. I thought you didn't have to work this weekend?"

"So did I. Liv, I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault."

"I know. But I promised you this amazing weekend…"

"We had an amazing night. Maybe we could pick this up some other time. Sometime when your _idiot client _can keep out of trouble," she said kissing Alex tenderly.

"No, Olivia…Look, Elliot is already here and the two of you seemed to have a really good time last night."

"You didn't?"

"No, I did. I just think maybe, this three way sex isn't really me. Until last night it had been nearly two years since I had even been with a man. It was fun, but I think I have really had my fill for a while. I have to go. But you stay."

"Alex, no. It's okay. You know what, one night was enough for a while. I will just head back to your apartment and we can do this again later some time. Sometime when you don't have to run off after."

"Olivia, you stay," Alex said picking up the remainder of the box of condoms from the counter and placing them in her hand. "Stay and have fun and get it out of your system. Just be safe. I love you and I will be home on Monday afternoon."

"Lex, are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Go, before he wakes up alone. I will call you when I get there." Alex kissed her tenderly, then grabbed her jacket and headed out the door.

Olivia exhaled and sat her coffee mug on the kitchen counter, returning to the bedroom.

"Everything okay?" Elliot asked as she climbed back into the bed.

"Yeah."

"Where is Alex?"

"Umm…she had to go."

"Go?"

"Yeah, to Connecticut for the weekend. Some work thing."

"She didn't take you away with her?" He asked kissing the back of her neck.

"No. She gave me these and told me to get it out of my system."

"She's mad?"

"I don't know."

"So, maybe I should go."

"No. She wanted us to stay. Here, together."

Elliot raised the blankets as she crawled back under them and snuggled in against him drifting back to sleep.


	4. 4 Along For The Ride

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Four: Along For The Ride)_

The night had been a long one for both of them, but they were determined to make the most of the _free pass _Alex had given Olivia for the weekend. Only a few hours after Alex had left and the pair had settled in for a but of rest before round two, Cragen had called them both in to work.

That was all behind them now. Nearly ten hours later as they rode the elevator up to the fifth floor of Olivia's apartment building, Elliot found himself pinned against the elevator wall at her mercy. Her kisses were strong and powerful and Elliot could tell by the look in her eyes that sleep was the last thing on Olivia's mind.

Olivia heard a popping sound as Elliot hit the stop button on the elevator pausing them between floors. He gave her a devilish smile as he flipped them around and slammed her against the wall, before returning his mouth to hers.

Olivia moaned and gasped against lips ad she felt one of his hands push up under her blouse and bra to firmly grasp her right breast. She purred as she bit his lip, feeling his other hand squeeze her ass. Olivia rolled her eyes and sighed as she fell to her knees and fidgeted with his belt buckle.

Elliot groaned and placed one hand against the elevator wall to balance himself as he looked down at her.

"Oh yeah," he grunted as be began to tangle his fingers in her hair and guided her head gently up and down on him.

"Is that how you like it?" She asked with a smile

"Just like that," he replied smoothing his fingertips over her jawbone.

Olivia smiled and laughed a bit at her complete power over him at this moment.

Ten minutes later the elevator doors opened as Olivia stood up from the floor and walked from the tiny metal room. Elliot wiped the sweat from his brow as he watched the sexy sway of her hips walking toward the apartment door.

"You want to play?" He mumbled softly under his breath. "Let's play."

Elliot adjusted himself to even be able to walk as he stumbled from the elevator behind her, following her to the door. Olivia no more turned the key in the lock and he had pushed her inside and slammed it shut behind them. She screamed as she tossed her over his shoulder and rushed her into her bedroom.

"Tell me you want it," Elliot demanded as he playfully pushed her back against the bed.

Olivia giggled in anticipation.

"I want it," she said with a smile as she bit her bottom lip.

"How do you want it?" He growled as he pushed her hands against the mattress and kissed her neck.

"Hard," she hissed at him with a smile.

Elliot stood up and pulled his shirt from over his head and tossed it across the room. He pulled Olivia's jeans from her body and tossed them aside as well. She watched him, eyeing him like a child staring at a piece of candy as she pressed her lips together, her body craving his.

Elliot unbuckled his belt and dropped his slacks to the floor stepping out of them. Olivia sat up and pulled her shirt off as well, then reached behind her to unclasp her bra. She giggled once more as she fell back against the bed once more and motioned for him to come to her.

Elliot kissed the top of her foot and all the way up her long tanned leg. He slipped his fingers under the edge of her panties on each side of her hips and slid them slowly down her body as Olivia raised up allowing him to remove them.

Elliot moved up over her as they began to kiss passionately.

"That's my girl," Elliot whispered against her cheek as he kissed his way down the side of her neck. "I have something for you," he said with a smile.

Olivia laughed nervously as he locked his fingers in hers and lowered her hand to feel his erection. Olivia moaned softly, trying to remember how good he felt inside of her.

"You don't want it?" he asked as he pressed himself firmly against her hand.

"I want it," she gasped.

"And you're gonna get it."

"Wait," she panted placing her palm against his chest as he positioned himself to enter her. Olivia gulped as she rolled over and picked up a condom from the box on the nightstand. "Condom."

Elliot took the little foil wrapper from her as he leaned forward to kiss her.

"You never made me use condoms before."

"I was on birth control _before_," she replied looking at the little package in his hand.

"You're not now?" he asked.

"Why would I be?" Olivia laughed. "It isn't like Alex is gonna knock me up."

"Ahh," Elliot laughed. "I guess you're right."

"Yeah," she whispered as she kissed him. "Condom," she said softly as Elliot tore open the package and proceeded to put the condom on.

"There," he said as a look of satisfaction crossed his face and he kissed her again. "God, you are so beautiful," Elliot moaned as he entered her with one smooth thrust.

"El," she whispered as she closed her arms around his neck and kissed him. "Focus."

"Tell me what you want," he whispered as he thrust firmly into her.

"That, that right there," she gasped. "God, harder."

Elliot moved harder and faster inside of her, using the soft moans and gasps she made to guide him. Olivia clawed at the back of his ass as she pulled him into her.

* * *

_**SEVERAL HOURS LATER….**_

Olivia stirred around a bit in the bed as she nestled the side of her face against Elliot's finely sculpted chest. Her eyes fluttered open to watch his breathing as she smiled against his chest. She had almost forgotten how wonderful it felt to have a man's strong arms wrapped tightly around her. To be held through the night and wake up in the arms of someone you love. Well, cared about anyway, she thought as she watched him sleep.

She wasn't allowed to love Elliot anymore, those days were over now. Olivia was with Alex now and she was happy with Alex. She loved Alex, but Alex never held her like this after they made love. Alex never really held her at all. And Olivia was the kind of woman who really needed to be held every now and then.

"Good morning beautiful," Elliot groaned. He kissed her tenderly slipping momentarily back to a time when she belonged to him.

"Good morning," she answered with a smile.

"Did you sleep well?"

"I guess so. I'll have to admit it is a little strange sharing my bed with a man after all of these months."

Elliot smiled.

"I bet," he said stretching and pulling her closer to him. "I almost forgot how good we are together."

"Yeah," she said softly as her cell phone began to ring. "That's Lex," she whispered studying the look in his eye.

He looked almost saddened by the sound of Alex's ring tone bringing them back into reality. Elliot watched her as she quickly kissed his lips, then sat up reaching for the phone.

"I'll make us some breakfast," he replied standing to grab his boxers from the floor and slip back into them.

He walked to the bedroom door and looked back at her over his shoulder as she smiled and nodded completely consumed by her conversation. She sat on the edge of the bed covered only by the thin cotton sheet as the golden rays of the sun spilled over her body. He studied each line and soft curve of her body as his eyes made their way up her body, stopping to admire her incredible shoulders and the two small shaded areas where her nipples lied just below the white sheet.

Elliot wiped his hand over his face and shook his head as he felt himself smile. He didn't know how, but this woman had some kind of hold on him. A hold like nothing else in the world. She held his heart and his balls in the palm of her hand and he had no say in the matter. He was just along for the ride, but what an incredible ride it was.

When Olivia finally joined him in the kitchen an hour later Elliot was taking food from carryout containers onto plates and setting the table.

"You _made_ breakfast?" She asked with a smile.

"I was going to. But someone hasn't done any grocery shopping in quite a while. What little bit you do have is expired," he said pointing at the milk carton on the counter.

Olivia laughed.

"Yeah, well I have been staying at Alex's place a lot lately."

"I hope she does grocery shopping. All you buy is junk food."

"I bought the milk," she argued as he handed her a Styrofoam cup of coffee. "Of course I only got it to go with the box of chocolate chip cookies."

"You're hopeless," he said leaning in to steal a kiss, but she turned away denying him. "Here, scrambled eggs with bacon, ham, cheese and hot sauce. Just the way you like them."

"What? No toast?"

"It is still in the bag," he laughed and she smiled.

"Alex will be home tomorrow," she said sitting down on a barstool and crossing her legs as she stirred her eggs with her fork.

"You miss her?"

"Of course I do."

"So what did she have to say?"

"Nothing much."

"A one hour conversation about nothing much. What were you having phone sex?"

"No," Olivia said rolling her eyes at him. "We were just talking."

"Didn't sound like talking from in here," Elliot said before he could catch himself.

Olivia raised her eyes to meet his.

"You could hear…I'm sorry."

"All couples have disagreements, Liv. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I figured you could use some privacy, so I went to the café down the block to get us some breakfast. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I shouldn't. It's private."

"Yeah. Is there anything I can do?"

Olivia cleared her throat and placed her napkin on the counter beside her plate.

"It's fine. I'd rather not talk about it."

"She's upset about this?"

"What?"

"You and I." Elliot watched her for a reaction, but she didn't give him one. "This whole thing was her idea, Olivia. She wanted to do this. She approached me in the bar and she asked me back here for a weekend of sex. I'm not going to pretend I didn't want it, but the whole thing was orchestrated by Alex. And now she has the nerve to get mad at you for doing what she told you to do."

"How would you feel?" She asked looking up at him with tears in her eyes. "If it were you. You and Kathy, when you were married. If you loved her and wanted her and wanted nothing more than to love her and only her and make her happy. But no matter how much you loved her, she would always need something you couldn't give to her. How would you feel if no matter how amazing the sex was, she needed someone or something else? How would you feel if she couldn't tell you for sure if it was just a phase or if it was something she would never get over? I love her, Elliot. But I am the one hurting her and I don't know how to make it stop."

"Liv, maybe this just isn't who you really are."

"Maybe I don't know who I really am," she sighed wiping a tear from her cheek.

"So, are you guys still together?"

"For now. She said this is something we should talk about in person and not over the phone. We're going to try and work it out when she gets home."

"Liv, I'm really sorry."

"You know what, it doesn't even matter. Worrying about this right now is pointless. I mean, I don't even know for sure if there is an actual problem or Alex is just feeling insecure. I am sure once she comes home and things are back to normal, everything will be fine."

"I'm sure you're right. Maybe I should go."

"El, you don't have to."

"I need to go in and get some paperwork finished up anyway."

"It is Sunday morning. Leave the work for Monday."

"So if I am not leaving and I am not going to get any work done, what _do_ you want to do?"

Olivia stared up at him from her plate and smiled a devilish smile.

"Woman, you will be the death of me."


	5. 5 Little White Lies

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Five: Little White Lies)_

_**THREE WEEKS LATER….**_

Olivia was standing under the hot water of the shower as she heard the bathroom door open.

"I'll be out in a minute," she said as she leaned back a bit to rinse the shampoo from her hair.

She felt a burst of cool air against her skin and opened her eyes as Alex stepped into the shower in front of her.

"Or you could stay," Alex said kissing her tenderly as she smoothed her fingers through Olivia's smooth wet hair.

"I can't today, Lex. I have to meet Elliot early and we have a meeting with Cragen."

Olivia placed a quick peck on Alex's lips then brushed past her as she stepped from the shower. She wrapped herself in a towel and headed for the bedroom before Alex could protest.

She stood in front of the dresser mirror and blow dried her hair then dressed quickly and moved to the kitchen for some coffee.

"We don't seem to have much time together anymore," Alex said trying not to look disappointed as she walked into the kitchen wrapped in a towel.

"We spend time together. We practically live together. We had dinner together last night."

"That isn't what I mean," she said staring at the brown eyed beauty in her kitchen.

"You mean sex? We have sex. It's just….with my work and your work….things are so crazy. Alex you knew that it was like this before we started dating. It has always been like this. It just so happens that the case I am working right now isn't the same case you're working, so we don't see each other as much at work. But we're getting close, I can feel it. Soon we will close this case and eventually we will get to work one together again."

"Does it bother you? Working with me, I mean?"

"No, I love working with you. Better you than that asshole, Langan."

"Trevor Langan can be an asshole," Alex agreed. "Especially when he hits on my girlfriend right in front of me."

Olivia laughed.

"Lex, he doesn't even know we are together. No one does. Well, no one but El. I have tried to tell Trevor he wasn't my type, but he just doesn't seem to listen. I guess he still thinks that somewhere inside there is still hope for him."

"Did you tell him that your type has a vagina?"

"No." Olivia took a sip from her coffee mug then looked up at the saddened look on Alex's face. "Alex, even if you and I had never gotten together….and I wasn't in a relationship with a woman….Trevor Langan still would not have a chance."

"I don't know. He is sexy, successful and lawyer. A lot of women would think he was the perfect catch."

"For a lot of women, maybe he is. But not for me." She exhaled and tried to remember how they had even gotten on this topic of conversation. "Besides, no one could ever love Trevor Langan as much as he loves himself."

"True," Alex agreed as Olivia picked up her car keys. "I'll call you later," she said kissing Alex gently before heading for the door.

"Have a good day at work," Alex called across the kitchen as she readjusted her towel.

"You too," Olivia said with a wave and she was out the door.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Olivia stopped by the bakery around the corner from Elliot's apartment for coffee and danish, before showing up on his door step. It was her turn to drive and she preferred to leave a little early and beat the morning traffic. After the buzzing 4D for the third time, a woman stepping out for her morning paper held the door open allowing Olivia to enter the building. She fumbled around until she found her keys and let herself into the apartment, sitting the coffee and their breakfast on the kitchen counter as she headed down the hall.

"El?" She called as she walked toward the bathroom.

He must have still been in the shower. She listened as she approached the bathroom door, but there was no water running.

"Elliot?" She asked pushing the bedroom door open to find her half naked partner still asleep in bed. "Elliot, get up. We are going to be late for our meeting with Cragen!"

Elliot groaned and rolled over to look at her from under his pillow.

"The meeting was canceled. We don't have to go in for two more hours."

"Canceled? Why?"

"I don't know," he mumbled pulling the blanket over his head. "Why don't you call Cragen and ask him?"

Olivia smiled.

"So why don't you get up and get a hot shower? I brought coffee and breakfast and we can just use the extra time to work on our case."

"Or I could sleep another hour and _then_ get up and take a shower and drink coffee."

"You are not the only one who didn't want to get out of bed this morning. But Elliot, I am already up and dressed and here and ready to go," she replied staring at the mound of blankets as they moved around on the bed.

Olivia tipped her head to the side and watched as one side of the comforter raised up and he stared out at her. He smiled a tired smile and scooted to one side of the bed patting the empty side as if offering it to her.

"There is room under here for two," he said with a yawn.

Olivia watched him yawning as he did as she shook her head. She folded her arms in front of her and for a moment or two stood her ground.

"Alright," she said kicking off her shoes and unbuttoning her jeans as she stepped out of them, leaving her in a tee shirt and a pair of lacy boy short panties.

She made her way across the room and slid under the blankets tucking herself neatly in beside him.

"But only for an hour. Then we are both getting up and it is back to work. We have a long way to go before this case is anywhere near ready for trial. Oh, and no sex."

"No sex? I'm just trying to get some sleep. Sleep in. I never get to do that anymore."

"Oh," she replied only half disappointed. "Alright. Just sleep, then. No sex. Just sleep," she repeated as she yawned and watched him reset his alarm clock.

But an hour later when the alarm clock sounded and they both stirred still tired and confused from their slumber, the rules she had been so particular about when she had climbed into the bed with him, had been forgotten.

Olivia moaned softly as Elliot tightened his arms around her and kissed the curve of her neck. It felt as it always did between them, perfect and natural. Within moments her tee shirt was crumpled up in the floor next to his jeans, her panties pushed to the foot of the bed and her bra on the pillow beside them as they were making love.

It was strong and passionate and incredible as always. And when it was over he held her tight, like she was the only woman in the world to him. This was exactly why she needed him, Olivia thought to herself as she rested against his chest. It wasn't the sex and it honestly didn't even have anything to do with the fact that he was male. It was the way he loved her, how he made her feel as if she were the only woman on the face of the Earth and she belonged somewhere. She belonged with him.

Olivia raised her head and stared into his eyes as she smiled.

"So, are you going to tell Alex what is going on here?"

"What am I supposed to tell her?"

"I don't know. But I do know that the longer you wait, the harder it is to tell someone the truth."

"Yeah," she said softly. "I don't know how to do this, Elliot."

"I'm not forcing you to make a decision here, Liv. I understand exactly the position you are in. It wasn't too awful long ago that I was there myself."

"I care about her. I love her. But when we are here….when we are together…."

"This feels right, too," he said kissing her tenderly.

"Is this what it was like for you?"

"Not exactly. I knew I was in love with you. In my heart the choice was already made. It was simple. But factor in logic and five children and things get a little complicated."

"You were in love with me?" she whispered.

"It's no secret, Olivia. I am very much still in love with you."

"El, that doesn't make this easier at all."

"I know. I am not trying to guilt you into anything. You need to figure this out for yourself, I understand that. And no matter what you decide, we are still going to be friends….best friends. I don't expect you to choose, Liv. And I know that this is not supposed to happen. You are Alex's girlfriend, not mine. I cannot help but notice that we keep ending up here."

"Hey, you invited me into your bed."

"I did," he laughed. "But you took your pants off."

"You took my bra off," she laughed.

"Okay, that is a very good argument. Do you plan on telling her that we have been sneaking around to have sex these last few weeks?"

"We should get to work," she said climbing from his bed as she began to put her clothes back on.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I am going to the kitchen to microwave my cup of coffee and eat a blueberry and cream cheese danish."

"You know that isn't what I am talking about."

"I'm not sure. I don't know what I am going to do. I really don't know. So, for now….I'm gonna have a cup of coffee."

"I'm gonna grab a shower. I wont be long."

Elliot climbed into the shower and stood under the hot water trying to think of something to say to her. He knew he wasn't making this easier on her, but it wasn't easy on him either.

Olivia was sitting at the counter picking apart her danish with a Styrofoam cup in one hand when Elliot walked back into the kitchen. She slid him a napkin with a pastry and pointed at the second cup of coffee. Elliot sat down beside her and took a drink from the coffee cup.

"I'm not going to tell her," Olivia said looking at him over the rim of her cup.

Elliot focused his attention on the look in her big brown eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay."

"Are you ready?" she asked tossing her breakfast into the trash and grabbing her car keys.

"I guess I can eat in the car."

"We're already late."

Elliot could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasn't really being late to work that was bothering her. The guilt was beginning to get to her.


	6. 6 Decisions

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Six: Decisions) _

_**TWO MONTHS LATER….**_

Elliot watched as Olivia returned to her desk from the locker room. She had been in there a good hour now and he was curious as to what had been keeping her, now he knew.

"Got a hot date tonight?" He asked staring and the stunning beauty in the little black dress,

"Alex has theatre tickets."

"Ahh."

"I have canceled on her three times. Tonight has to be perfect. I have to look great and I cannot be late or she is going to kill me."

"You look amazing," he said smiling at her at she fidgeted with the strap on her shoe.

Olivia batted her pretty brown eyes at him and smiled.

"You're bad. Just don't talk," she said watching as he instinctively licked his lips, "I know exactly what you are thinking."

"You do?"

"Yes. That look says it all. I will take it as a compliment"

"You want a compliment, stop by after the show and I'll give you one you will never forget," he said with a wink.

"Really? El, come on. That was just tasteless."

"Maybe so," he whispered leaning in toward her, "but you know it is true."

Olivia stared into his eyes for a moment.

"Seriously. Why don't you come by later and let me take that dress off of you? You could keep me up all night….or we could make love and fall asleep in each other's arms. Whatever you like."

"Elliot….I am going out with Alex tonight. We have tried really hard these last few months to make this work and this is important to her. Don't you think maybe I might be going home with her tonight?"

"I could always drop by there. You know, for old time sake."

"I don't think so."

"You guys have been working hard at this, huh?"

"Yes, we have," she replied flipping back her hair to put on a dangly earring.

"So while you were working hard did you happen to mention to her that you are still sleeping with me?"

"I'm not sleeping with you. I haven't been for about…."

"Six weeks and three days."

Olivia's eyes shot up and she stared at him.

"You didn't tell her?" he asked reading the look on her face.

"No, I didn't."

"Don't you think you should? I mean if you guys are gonna give it a real go here. This is something she aught to know, isn't it? The truth."

"It only happened a couple of times. And maybe I don't plan on it happening again."

"It was a couple dozen times. And it will happen again."

"How do you know that?"

"You said it yourself, Olivia. You love her, but there is just something she cannot provide. Something that you apparently get from me….oh, I'd say about twice a week for months."

"I know what I did to her wasn't right, Elliot. I really do love her."

"I know you do."

"But I can't tell her. I can't hurt her like that."

"Olivia, lying to her and cheating on her is hurting her, too."

"I'm not cheating on her! Anymore…. And I'm not even sure it is going to work out between us. We have been trying to make it work. But I think I am going to try to break it off. I'm going to talk to her tonight after the show."

"You are gonna go out on a date with her and then dump her?"

"She already got the tickets, El. What am I supposed to do?"

"I'm probably not the best person to be giving relationship advice."

"Good point."

"I do know how many people could have gotten hurt when you and I screwed around while I was still married. Luckily, the kids never found out about it. But cheating hurts everyone involved, Liv. In some way. I'll admit I might be just a little biased here."

"Why would you be biased?"

"I don't know. I guess a part of me still holds on to the hope that if this thing doesn't work out with you and Alex…." he stopped for a moment and smiled at her. "Maybe I'd get my girl back."

"El…."

"It doesn't help, I know."

"Not really. We tried the relationship thing and it was not that great. The sex….that we're good at."

"But we never gave the relationship a fair shot. Not once. The first time we were together I was married and now….now you're with Alex."

"There is no now with you and I. What we had a few weeks ago is over. The fling, the affair, whatever. I am with Alex _now_. Elliot, I still don't completely know where this thing with her is going. So if you are holding on to some secret hope that it will end and I'll run off with you….I can't even think about us right now."

"I understand that. I'm just thinking that if for some reason it doesn't work out, maybe we could give it a shot sometime."

"Maybe," she replied patting him on the back.

"So all of that aside, what is it that makes you think it may not work out?"

"I'm crazy about her. I love her. I just don't know if that is enough."

"Enough for what?"

"For a future. As much as I care about Alex, I still really want to get married and have kids someday. I want to be a mother. And I am not sure if I love her enough to walk away from that dream."

"There are ways to have both."

"I don't even know if Alex wants kids."

"It sounds like the two of you have some serious talking to do."

"Yeah," she exhaled slowly. "And if I don't get going I am going to be late."

"Liv?" he called to her as she pulled on her jacket and headed for the elevator.

"Yeah?"

"Good luck."

She smiled softly and tipped her head to the side as she looked back at him.

"Thanks."

Elliot knew that it would kill him to lose her completely. And if she was able to work things out with Alex, that was exactly what was going to have to happen. He would have to give her up, sexually, anyway and give up any hope of a future relationship. No more fooling around or secretly wishing she were his. He would have to return to being her friend and only her friend. And as hard as it was going to be for him, this was a sacrifice that he was willing to make if it was what would truly make her happy. Because above all, her happiness was the only one thing that really mattered to him.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

The next day Olivia was quiet and barely spoke to anyone. She sat at her desk and didn't even look up at her partner and this made Elliot very nervous.

"Hey, how did it go last night?"

"The show was good," she replied softly without looking at him.

"I don't really give a damn about the show, Liv. How did the other thing go? The talk with you and Alex. Did it go alright?"

Olivia looked up and their eyes met, but what he saw nearly broke his heart. It was obvious she was fighting back tears because they were starting to slip down her cheeks. She blinked and just shook her head.

"Why don't we find a quiet place to talk?"

"Okay," she agreed and followed Elliot down the hall to the locker room.

Inside Elliot locked the door behind them and Olivia sat down on the wooden bench. She stared up at him as she took a deep breath and tried to figure out the best way to explain the situation.

"You broke up?" he asked.

"I don't really know. I don't think so."

"What happened?"

"I told her what I told you yesterday. I want to get married and have kids."

"And what did she say?"

"At first it was kind of an argument. I guess I caught her off guard with marriage and kids thing."

"So she doesn't want kids?"

"She never really said that."

"What _did_ she say?"

"She said there are ways. And if I wanted a baby we could always adopt."

"There you go."

"I told her I don't want to adopt. I want to be pregnant, Elliot. I want to experience every part of being a mother." She drew a deep breath as she wiped away a tear from her cheek. "I want to feel my baby moving inside of me. I don't want to give up that dream."

"She has to understand that. What happened?"

"She said we should have a baby."

"She did?"

Olivia nodded.

"We have an appointment this afternoon to visit a clinic. Some routine stuff. A few tests and then we'll sit down and pick out a donor. If all goes well in three weeks I will undergo invitro and hopefully get pregnant."

"This is all happening a little fast isn't it?"

"It is. But it's my dream. So I should go for it, right?"

"Yes. But not until you are sure that now is the right time for you. Maybe this isn't such a great idea."

"You don't think so?"

"I think you should do whatever makes you happy. I just wonder if this is the best time to add a baby to the mix. I mean as of last night you weren't sure if you were even going to make it as a couple. How are you guys going to raise a child together if something happens that you split up?"

Olivia looked at him as her eyes widened, she hadn't thought of that.

"The same way I would if I had a baby with any one of the guys I dated, I guess. We would share custody. Look, I don't have all of the details worked out yet. I still kind of cant believe this is all happening."

"Well, if this is what you want….I hope it all works out for you, Olivia. You deserve to be happy."

"Thanks, El. Ahh," she said looking at her reflection in the mirror, "I'm a wreck. I have to go in to court in an hour, I should get cleaned up."

"Alright, I'll leave you to it then. And Liv…."

"Yeah?"

"If you ever need anything, even if it is just someone to talk to, I'll be here. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

Elliot walked back out to his desk. He wasn't sure if this was the best of ideas for Olivia and he was afraid she would end up getting hurt. But she was an adult and he had to step back and let her live her life. He knew he was going to be here for her no matter how this turned out.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

_**FOUR DAYS LATER….**_

Olivia sat on her sofa looking through a stack of papers when the door bell rang.

"Come in, El."

Elliot laughed and pushed the door open.

"I brought food."

"You did?"

"Well, Alex is out of town for the night and I was afraid you might starve to death."

"Very funny. What did you bring?"

"Chinese food and beer."

"My favorite."

"Of course. So what is this?" He asked looking at the papers.

"The candidates. Or the final five as Alex calls them. She and I narrowed it down to this group and she said the rest is my decision."

"Kind of dumping all of the important parts on you, isn't she?"

"No, she just wants to make sure that I get what I want from this."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Getting what you want?

"Well, if all goes well by this time next year one of these four guys will be the father of my baby."

"Lets see what you've got here."

Elliot picked up the four profiles and began to read through them.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked looking over at her.

"Sure."

"Have you ever noticed how every one of these guys are doctors or lawyers? They are all tall and have great genes with a high IQ."

"What are you trying to say?"

"This is bullshit."

"I don't understand."

"I'm saying that I am sure that big shot doctors and lawyers take time out from their busy schedules to jerk off into a little plastic cup. How do you know that any of the information on these pages is accurate?"

"The donors give personal background information. But it is confidential and they cannot release it to me. That is just how this works."

"Olivia, random guys off the street walk into these places to make a quick buck. They spend five minutes scribbling down whatever on those pages and ten minutes in a little room looking at a dirty magazine. Half an hour later they walk out the door fifty bucks richer. Is this really the kind of guy you want to father your child, Liv? You are better than that. Your baby deserves better than that."

"Elliot, millions of women do this every year. Billions of babies have been born this way. I wouldn't be the first."

"No….Liv, what if something happened? Like some kind of medical thing? You never know about these things. I mean you don't know much about this man's medical history. You have no way to meet him, you know nothing about him at all. What if some day your baby needs something like bone marrow or I don't know….whatever and you have no idea who his father even is?"

Olivia just sat there speechless looking slightly terrified, Elliot had just burst her bubble.

"Couldn't you have simply said that you think it is a bad idea?"

"I want you to be happy. If this is what you want…."

"It is. This is what I want. So if you are not going to sit down here and help me decide which one of these men hopefully father my child, then maybe it is best you leave now."

Olivia stared at him from her seat on the sofa as she took the papers from his hand. Elliot studied the seriousness of the look in her eyes as he stood there contemplating his next move. It was obvious that he had been confused from the start about this entire situation. This was never about him or Alex. Every single thing that had happened over the last several months was about Olivia. This was her life, her relationship, no matter who she chose to share it with and this child would be her baby. And no matter how the hand was played out before him, Elliot fully intended to be a constant in his best friend's life and in the life of her son or daughter.

Olivia watched as a smile slowly spread across his face and he took his usual seat beside her on the sofa.

"So you're in?" Olivia asked with a smile.

"Of course I'm in. I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Olivia smiled her beautiful smile as she spread the information packets out between them. That night they sat on her sofa together drinking beer and eating beef and broccoli while Elliot helped her to make one of the most important decisions of her life.


	7. 7 Change Of Plans

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Seven: Change Of Plans)_

Olivia sat alone at her apartment sipping a glass of her favorite red wine. She looked over her shoulder at the clock on the DVD player across the room as she tapped her fingernails against the kitchen counter and waited. Waiting like this was driving her crazy, but there was not much else she could do. At this moment things were out of her hands.

She raised up a bit and stared at the door as she heard the key enter the lock. There were only two people who had a key to her apartment and right now she hoped to see one of them a little more than the other.

Olivia watched as her guest stepped into the apartment, casually dropping the keys onto the table by the door and making their way to her side. She felt her heart pounding in her chest as a smile slowly spread across her face. She leaned forward just a bit placing her fingertip against a perfect mouth as she tilted her head to the side stealing a kiss.

"I was hoping you would come," she said softly as those blue eyes stared back at her.

"I kind of thought when you invited me to a celebration dinner that you might actually be there."

She smiled again.

"I had planned on going. But I just couldn't do it. I wasn't sure how to talk to you about this."

He stepped forward and slipped one arm around her waist pulling her to him.

"So there was another reason you wanted to meet with me?" he asked raising an eyebrow, sure he knew what was on her mind.

Olivia gasped as he tenderly nipped at the side of her neck.

"Elll…" she half purred and half growled as she struggled to push him back.

"You want to fool around?" he asked pressing his mouth to hers. He leaned forward as she felt his warm breath against her ear. She couldn't help but smile as he whispered to her in his best seductive voice, "just a little harmless fun between two consenting adults."

Olivia pushed him back and stared at him for a moment as she fought off a smile.

"Elliot, I'm trying to be serious. I asked you to meet with me because I need to talk to you about this baby thing. I mean, I know I must sound desperate….maybe I am. But I really need my friend right now."

"Of course, I'm sorry. You are standing here trying to pour your heart out to me and I am acting like an ass and trying to get into your pants."

"Do you want a glass of wine?" she asked softly as she poured herself another and placed an empty glass in front of him.

Elliot looked up to see the heartache in her beautiful brown eyes.

"I would love a glass," he said with a smile feeling like a real dick for being such a guy when she really needed a friend.

He watched as she filled his glass and slid it over to him. She nervously wiped the counter, then folded up the dish towel and laid it neatly beside the dish rack. Elliot could tell she wasn't sure how to start the conversation.

"Should you be drinking that? I mean if you are….that probably isn't healthy this early in."

"I'm not pregnant," she replied.

"You could be. It won't show up on a test for a while."

"No El, I know I'm not pregnant."

She watched as his eyes widened and he leaned in as if she were sharing some big secret with him.

"I didn't go through with it."

"I thought you wanted a baby?"

"I do."

"Then what happened? Alex didn't like number 11701?"

Olivia laughed.

"It had nothing to do with him. Well, it did, sort of. I went to the appointment. We were about to go in and were signing the last of the forms when I asked her if this was what she really wanted."

"What did she say?"

"She said it was a bad idea."

"She said that? Olivia, I am so sorry. I thought she wanted to have a baby with you?"

"She does. She thought this sperm donor thing was a bad idea. She said it had been eating at her for a while, but that she knew how badly I wanted a child and she wanted one too. She said it was a bad idea for the exact same reasons that you pointed out. Not knowing….she really thought it was not a good idea and the more we talked about it, I started to see things more clearly. So, we left."

"So no baby?"

"We still want to try and have a baby."

"How do you plan to do that without a donor?"

"Well, we discussed it and we decided that we should find a guy. Someone we know and trust. Someone with good genes and a good medical history."

"Where are you going to find him?"

"The plan was for me to ask you."

"Me?"

Olivia stared at him for a moment.

"This was a stupid idea. I'm sorry. I told Alex that it would just make things awkward between us."

"Wait a second….back up a minute here. So this was never a celebration dinner? It was all a ploy to get me to come over here so you could ask me to father your child?"

"At first it was supposed to be to celebrate my hopefully being pregnant. Plans just sort of changed. Forget I even mentioned it. It was a ridiculous idea and I'm sorry. I'll think of someone."

"So, I'm good enough for you to sleep with when you need sex….real sex. And I am good enough for you to sneak around on Alex with. I am good enough to be your best friend and the one person you can come to for anything….your partner and your family, but I'm not good enough to be the father of your child.

Olivia flashed him a look of concern.

"No, I didn't meant it like that. It is just that is a completely inappropriate favor to ask of anyone….including my best friend. It was a very intrusive thing of me to ask of you and I was hoping to recant the statement before you thought I was a complete freak, that's all. But I guess it is a bit too late for that."

"Liv," he laughed, "I don't think you are a freak. You know what you want and you are not afraid to go after it. I admire that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You want to have a baby. You are in a relationship with someone you care very deeply about and want to have a child. I don't think that is any different than if you had been dating a guy and told me the two of you had decided to have a child together. It just so happens in this case, your significant other is another woman and cannot provide you with the means of creating one. I get it. Infact, I am honored that you would consider me."

"Who else is there to consider?"

"Good point. I just….I am not trying to judge you or attack you here. I don't want you to feel that way. You are my best friend and I love you and want you to be happy. I happen to think that you will be an amazing mother."

"You do?"

"I do."

"You don't think it is weird that I invite you over here and ask you to impregnate me?"

"No I don't. Besides, you invited me for a celebration dinner, stood me up, then sent me a text asking me to come here. Then you poured me a glass of wine and asked me to impregnate you."

Olivia laughed.

"Smooth, I have to admit. Trying to seduce me like this. And playing hard to get just to throw me off was a great touch."

"I guess it was," she laughed.

"Seriously though…. Do you really want this?"

She stared into him as tears pooled behind her big brown eyes.

"Yes, I do."

Elliot traced his fingertip across her forehead and down the side of her face brushing back a bit of hair to study her pretty eyes.

"Then I would be honored to make a baby with you."

He watched as the first tear slipped from the corner of her left eye. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Elliot closed his arms around her and just held her for a moment as he kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you," she said softly as she looked up at him and smiled.

"You are very welcome," he said kissing the tip of her nose. "Alex is okay with this?"

"She is," Olivia said with a nod.

"How do you guys want to do this? Get pregnant…."

"Elliot, you have five children already. Do I really have to explain to you how babies are made?"

"No," he laughed. "I didn't know if she….the two of you wanted to go to a clinic and me just be a donor or if you wanted to do this the old fashioned way."

"Well, I think she and I both figured since it wasn't too awful long ago you and I spent a naked weekend together….maybe we could just make a schedule and….you know."

"Yeah, I know."

Olivia smiled as Elliot grinned a devilish grin.

"I mean track my ovulation and make a schedule. Like most couples do when they are trying to conceive. I would find the days of the month when I am most fertile and those are the days we would…."

"Make love," Elliot said cutting her off.

Olivia stared into his eyes and smiled slowly.

"Exactly."

"Sounds like the two of you have this all figured out."

"Well, I have wanted this for a very long time. The baby, I mean."

"I know what you mean. So when do we start?"

"Well I usually get my pe…." Olivia paused for a moment and stared up at him.

"Liv, I know everything about you but your shoe size. We used to practically live together and have slept together a thousand times. You can talk to me about your period."

"I usually get it around the twenty second of the month. So I looked up some information on line and that said when I am most likely to get pregnant."

"So right about now is your most fertile time?"

"Yes. That is why I was supposed to do it today. There was a better chance of it working and me actually becoming pregnant."

"When do you want to start this?"

"I was thinking maybe you could stay tonight."

"Tonight? Where is Alex?"

"Alex it in Baltimore at some conference for the next five days. She was scheduled to fly out this afternoon. She knows, Elliot. And she wants this, too."

Elliot raised his wine glass for a toast.

"To making a beautiful baby," he replied staring into her eyes.

Olivia smiled as she clicked her glass against his.

"I'll drink to that," she said softly.

She took a sip from her glass, her eyes never leaving his. Elliot reached up and took the glass from her hand and sat it on the kitchen counter beside his.

"No more wine. We're trying to get pregnant," he said as he traced the fullness of her lips with his finger tip.

Elliot locked his fingers in hers as he leaned forward and kissed her tenderly. He slipped his arms around her waist and scooped her up into his arms carrying her back to the bedroom.


	8. 8 Heart To Heart

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Eight: Heart To Heart)_

"Liv? They are waiting," Alex said as Olivia scanned her eyes over the parking lot once more in search of Elliot's car.

"I just really thought he would be here," she said softly looking down at her cell phone as she dialed his number once more.

"Maybe something came up. Liv, they are not going to wait much longer. If he isn't here by now, he probably isn't coming."

"You're right," she holding back her tears of disappointment. "Let's go see our baby."

Olivia smoothed her hand over her barely visible baby bump as she followed Alex back into the building. They laughed and cried and discussed plans for the future as they watched the baby moving around on the monitor. Olivia had never been happier than she was right now. But under all of the smiles and laughter lingered just a bit of sadness. In all of the time she had thought of this moment, she always imagined Elliot would be right there beside her holding her hand through it all. Apparently reality was very different from the stuff in her dreams.

That evening Olivia was alone in Alex's apartment. She sat curled up on the sofa with a bowl of popcorn and a throw blanket as she spoke to Alex on the phone.

"Do you know when you will be home?" Olivia asked, growing tired of spending so much time alone.

"I'm really not sure. I have a ton of work to get finished before court in the morning. This is likely to be an all nighter. Liv, I'm sorry I had to leave right after the appointment. I just have so much going on right now. I honestly didn't think I would be able to make that."

"At least you were there. And I really appreciate that," Olivia said picking up the baby's sonogram picture to look at it once more. "I cannot believe that in just over four months we are going to have a baby."

"I know," Alex said softly. "After the appointment today, I don't know. It all seems so much more real now. Look, I am trying to get things caught up at work so that I can take a little time off when you have the baby. But to do that, I have to work a lot right now."

"I understand."

"have you heard from Elliot, yet?"

"No. And I am kind of starting to worry. This really isn't like him."

"Maybe he ended up working or doing something with the kids. I am sure there is a logical reason."

"You're probably right. Listen, I'm getting tired and it has been a long day. I think I'm gonna go take a bath and head on to bed. I will see you tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. Maybe we can grab lunch together."

"Sounds great, Lex. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Olivia hung up her phone and laid it on the table beside the remote control. Half an hour later she awoke to the buzzing of the doorbell. She groaned a little and sat up looking around the room.

"I'm coming," she mumbled as she stumbled across the room. "I said I'm coming," she shouted as she pulled the door open and stood face to face with Elliot.

"Well, hello to you too."

"It is past ten. What are you doing here?"

Elliot stepped inside and handed her a dozen white roses and a teddy bear.

"Thank you."

"Your welcome," he whispered placing a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. "I went by your place first and no one was home. You weren't answering your cell, so I came by here."

"My cell? I fell asleep watching television. Again, what are you doing here?"

"You're upset?"

"No. I mean, I don't see why I should be. We're not together," she said turning and walking away from him.

"I was gonna go. I took the time off work and I was in the car driving across town."

Olivia looked back at him.

"Then what stopped you?"

"I thought about it. I thought about you and the baby. And you and Alex. And Alex and the baby. And I realized that _she_ is this baby's father. Not me."

"Elliot…."

"You said it yourself. You and I are not together. You are with Alex and this is what I agreed to when you and I decided to start trying to get pregnant."

"You are always going to be a part of this baby's life."

"What part, Liv?"

"I don't know. It isn't like there is a handbook for this kind of situation."

"No, there isn't."

"I thought you would have been there."

"I thought that maybe you and Alex would want that moment to be private. I know she isn't happy about how much I am involved already. So I decided to give her that. I knew you weren't going to be there alone. I thought maybe she would like to be the one there when you found out the sex of the baby."

"That was sweet of you. But you could have called me. Or answered my calls and let me know what was going on."

"I should have explained it to you. I didn't mean to disappoint you."

"I know," she said softly.

Olivia sat down beside Elliot on the sofa and handed him the sonogram picture.

"Wow," Elliot said smiling down at the baby's profile.

"It's a boy," Olivia said combing her fingers through her hair and watching his reaction.

"A boy?"

"Yeah. And he is healthy and beautiful."

"He is beautiful."

"It was amazing. Seeing him moving around on that screen. And kicking like crazy. His heart beat was so fast, over a hundred beats a minute. My doctor said that is normal, healthy."

"God, Olivia. I should have been there. I'm sorry."

"It's alright. I have another appointment in a few weeks. You can go to that one."

"It's a date. A boy?"

"A boy," she repeated.

"Have the two of you talked about names?"

"Not yet. We have only known for a few hours we were having a boy. And Alex had to go to work shortly after we got home from my appointment."

"She's working a lot lately."

"She is trying to get things set up so that she can take some time off when I have the baby."

"Sounds like she is really coming around."

"She is. She's excited. We even started cleaning out the office down the hall to set up a nursery."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Alex said she doesn't really do much work from there anyway. We are going to paint this weekend, then go pick out furniture."

"You must be so excited."

"Aren't you?"

"Of course. But I know that you have wanted this for so long. You are finally going to be a mother. You are going to have a son."

"So are you," she said looking at him across the sofa. "Look El, I know that Alex kind of pushes you into the background and sort of just expects you to disappear. But I don't want that. I want you to be a part of this baby's life. A big part. This baby doesn't only have two parents. He has three. You are his father. And I am not going to let anyone or anything change that. This is your son, too."

"Are you sure this is what you want? I mean, I thought this baby was supposed to be for you and Alex."

"For me and Alex? You make him sound like a gift you bought me at a souvenir shop downtown. If you don't want to be involved, I understand that, too. I just assumed that you would be a part of this."

"And I will. Of course I want to be his father. I am crazy about this kid. I just wasn't sure what you wanted, where you stood on this and I didn't want to step on any toes."

Olivia smiled and laid her head against his shoulder.

"You are not stepping on any toes. You are exercising your rights as a parent. If I didn't want this baby to have his father in his life I would have just stuck with one of the guys from that donor catalogue. This is the most amazing thing in my life. I am going to have a baby. I want to share this with my best friend. You are the only person in the entire world who understands me. You are the only one who knows who I really am. And I don't want to do without that. I don't think that I ever could."

"What about Alex?"

"Alex and I have something very special. I love her and I know that she loves me. But you are my best friend."

"I'm right here beside you, Liv. And I am going to be, no matter what."

"Good," she said with a soft smile, "because I probably need you more now than ever."

"How does Alex feel about me being around all of the time?"

"She will get used to it. If she cares for me and cares for this baby, then she will want what is best for the two of us. And part of what is best, is having you in our lives."

"So tell me more about this little man," he said as she placed his band on her belly.

"Well, he is due June twenty second. And he kicks a lot," she laughed.

"And the doctor said everything is going good with the pregnancy?"

"Yeah, she said that I am right on track and that everything seems to be doing fine."

"That is good. She isn't worried about you gaining weight."

"Why would she be?" Olivia asked.

"It just doesn't seem like you have gained that much weight. Like maybe you should be bigger than you are or maybe you are not eating enough."

"I eat all of the time, Elliot."

"Right. And what kind of groceries does she have in here," he said walking into the kitchen to open the practically empty refrigerator. "I see butter and one egg."

Olivia laughed.

"We eat out a lot. And you worry too much."

"Liv, you are my best friend and this is our son. It is my job to worry."

"And you do it well."

"What did you have for dinner?"

"Food," she said with a smile.

"Smart ass."

"Alex and I had dinner before she had to go back to work."

Elliot stared at her waiting for details.

Olivia laughed.

"I ordered roast beef. Mashed potatoes and gravy, steamed vegetables and a side salad. I eat healthy for the baby."

"For the baby?"

"Yeah, like normally I probably would have gotten a double cheeseburger and fries. With a large milk shake."

"I have never known you to eat like that."

"Well, that is what I was craving. But I know that the steamed vegetables are much better for the baby than all of that fried stuff."

"You are thinking like a mommy already."

"I really want to be a good mom. And I want to do everything that I can to make sure this baby gets everything that he needs"

"I think that you are already an amazing mother. And I don't know about you, but I cannot wait to meet this kid."

"Me either," she said with a yawn.

"Is Alex not coming home tonight?"

"She's working. I probably wont see her until tomorrow."

"I should probably get going so you can get some rest. I just wanted to come over here and see you. I didn't want you to think that I wasn't thinking about you and about the baby today. I just thought that maybe you guys could use that moment alone together."

"Thank you, for considering us. But I really wish you had been there. I don't want you to miss out on this."

"I will be there. I promise. From now on. Every appointment and every sonogram. Delivery and every milestone and birthday. I want to be his father, Olivia. But I am trying to allow you and Alex the space to be a couple having a baby."

"And I appreciate that."

"Does Alex? I mean, does she even notice?"

"She notices. I am not sure she knows how this is supposed to go either. You are the only one of the three of us who has been through any of this before. She and I are still kind of learning as we go."

"Do you think you are ready for this?"

"I think I am. I hope I am."

"I have faith in you. I think that by the time this little guy gets here you will be as ready as anyone can be."

"What does that mean?"

"Liv, this is baby number six for me and if there is one thing I have learned it is that no matter how ready you think you are, there will come a time when you will second guess yourself. I know without a doubt that you are going to be an amazing mother."

"It means a lot to me that you feel that way."

"Liv, if I didn't think you would be a good mom, I never would have agreed to have a baby with you. Things may be a little strange now, but I know that they are going to be okay."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"And no matter what happens…." Elliot began as he stared into her eyes.

Olivia looked back at him and nodded her head, fully understanding what he was trying to say.

"It's late. I will see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yes," she replied with a smile.

"Okay. Sleep good," Elliot said kissing her forehead. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Night, El. Thank you for the flowers."

Olivia watched as Elliot waved to her and made his way out the door. She smiled and hugged the bear that Elliot bought for their unborn son.

"That was your daddy," she said smoothing her hand over her baby bump. "And he is the most amazing guy that I have ever met. I know that things are probably going to get confusing from time to time. But no matter what happens, your mommy and daddy will always love you more than anything in the world."


	9. 9 Preparation

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Nine: Preparation)_

Olivia walked up the stairs and down the hall toward Alex's office. Alex was working late again and she thought she would take some food and they could have dinner together. But as she approached the door something wasn't quite right. She listened for a moment at the voices shouting and arguing on the other side of the closed door.

Olivia sat the carryout containers on the end table in the waiting area and walked a little closer to try and figure out what in the world was going on. She stood for a moment and listened to the angry words being exchanged, then drew a deep breath and leaned against the wall beside the door. This was all her fault.

Two days earlier….

"That is a little extreme, don't you think?" Olivia asked placing her hand under her nearly eight month pregnant belly as her son kicked her hard, sensing something was wrong.

"I just want it all lined out, legally, before the baby gets here," Alex said taking off her glasses and smoothing her hands over her face.

"Legally? You make it sound like he is going to take the baby and run away with him."

"Look, I know Elliot isn't going to do anything like that. But the fact is he could and there isn't a damn thing that I could do about it if he did!"

"Alex, this is ridiculous. I won't do this. So you can take your papers back to your lawyer and tell him that," Olivia said crumpling the papers and tossing them onto the counter as she walked out of the room.

Several minutes later Alex walked into the bedroom with a cup of warm milk.

"I know you think I am some horrible person for having those papers drawn up. I'm not trying to hurt anyone."

"You are asking him to sign away his rights to his son, Alex. How could you possibly think that wouldn't hurt him?"

Olivia pulled her knees as close as she could to her chest as tears streamed down both sides of her face.

"I am asking him to give me legal rights to my son," Alex corrected her.

"You talk about him like he is a possession, not a person. This is a baby," Olivia said smoothing her hand over her belly and trying to comfort the baby boy inside. "Elliot just wants the same thing you do. He wants to love and care for this baby."

"So do I. And I want to have legal rights over my son, Olivia. I don't think it is too much to ask."

"I just don't think that there is any reason that you can't both care for him. I mean he has three parents who love him more than anything. Shouldn't that be a good thing?"

"It is," Alex agreed placing her hand against Olivia's baby bump. "But any way you look at it I am the odd one out here. No matter what, you and Elliot are always going to be this baby's parents and I'm just…. Mommy's special friend. I want him to mine. I want to know that no matter what, he is my son, too. And this is the only way I can get that."

"I don't think this was the right way to go about this. You should have at least talked to me. I am sure that we can work something out if we just talk this through with Elliot. I don't think there is any need to drag lawyers into it."

"We need to do something. I don't want to get emotionally attached to this baby and end up losing him."

"Why would you lose him?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know that I would. It is just the thought that I could. Can't you understand that? What if one day down the road someone just walked in and said you could never see him again? How would that make you feel?"

"Alex, Elliot and I are never going to do that. Even if things between you and I didn't work out, I wouldn't take this baby away from you. I love him, too and I know how bad it would hurt me to lose him. I just need you to trust me, that I am not going to let that happen."

"I just worry," Alex said handing Olivia the mug as the baby kicked her hand. "I am an attorney, I can't help but see things from a legal point of view. The way things are now I couldn't even give them permission to treat him if I had to take him to the hospital, because I have no rights."

"I will talk to Elliot and we will work something out."

But Olivia didn't talk to Elliot. Somewhere in her mind she just thought Alex was over reacting and figured the entire thing would pass. But obviously Alex had decided to take matters into her own hands.

Liv drew a staggered breath and closed her eyes to listen as two of the three people she cared the most about in the entire world shouted insults at each other.

"You have got to be out of your fucking mind woman!" Elliot yelled as the door flew open and he stormed out leaving a trail of torn pieces of legal document in his wake.

He made it as far as the waiting area before he noticed Olivia's car keys laying on the table beside the carryout containers. Elliot felt a knot in his throat as he turned around to see Olivia standing in the shadows crying.

She took a deep breath and wiped her cheek with her hand. Without a word she picked up her keys and headed for the elevator.

Like an ass, Elliot just stood there and watched her leave.

It was near two o'clock in the morning when Olivia rolled over to look at the alarm clock on the dresser. She had been laying in her own bed for hours now, but it was no use, sleep was not coming. She climbed from the bed and made her way into the kitchen for a cup of decaffeinated tee.

"What are you doing here?" she asked spotting Elliot laying on the sofa as soon as she turned on the light.

"I wanted to talk, about tonight. But by the time I got my bullheaded self to come over here you were already asleep. So, I decided to wait until morning."

"I wasn't asleep."

"You came home?"

"I live here, don't I? Alex wont be home tonight. And I just needed to get away. I figured I would spent the night in my own bed. But I can't sleep."

"How could you think that I would just give my son up?"

"I never thought that."

"She asked me to meet her. She said it was important and she hands me these papers wanting me to sign over my rights to my son to her. She said you knew about this!"

"I knew, I told her that I would talk to you about…."

"Over my dead body," Elliot snapped cutting her off.

"Elliot, please listen to me. Alex came to me a few days ago with those papers. I knew nothing about them until she had already had them drawn up. She and I had a big fight because I didn't want her to give you the papers. She was worried about you trying to take the baby from her. I told her you wouldn't do that. I told her that I would talk to you and we would work something out. I didn't mean that I was going to talk to you about the papers. I don't expect you to sign away your rights."

Olivia sat down on the sofa beside him and propped her feet on the coffee table in front of her. She took a deep breath and stared into her coffee mug as she began to cry again.

"I can't do this," she said softly.

"Do what, honey?"

"Just sit here, like this while the two people I care the most about are fighting. I'm just kind of trapped here in the middle," she sobbed. "I can't choose between you. You are the father of my baby and my best friend," she said looking over at Elliot. "But she means a lot to me, too. And now you guys are fighting, screaming at each other and I just don't think that any of this is good for me or the baby right now. Maybe I should just stay here, alone for a while, until the two of you can work this all out."

"Liv, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you and I am sorry that you have been stuck between Alex and I while we were fighting like this. I am sure we will work it out and everything will be fine. Alex and I will get past this. I don't want you to worry about it. My main concern right now is you and our son."

"Greyson," Olivia said softly.

"Greyson?"

"Greyson Matthew Stabler. That is what originally started our argument. I wanted to give him the Stabler name."

"Why?"

"Because you're his father. Unless you don't want me to?"

"No," Elliot said with a smile. "I would be honored for this baby to carry my name. I meant why did that start an argument?"

"I don't know, exactly. She has been really moody lately and we have been fighting a lot. Maybe it is just me and the pregnancy hormones. I 'm sure I overreact about everything. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately. Maybe I'm just not the easiest person to get along with anymore."

"Olivia, you are eight months pregnant. You have the right to be a little moody."

"You think I'm moody?" she asked tipping her head to look at him with sad eyes as if threatening to cry again.

"Not moody. Perhaps that was the wrong choice of words. What I meant to say is that you have the right to be a bit hormonal and emotional, Alex should respect that. This is your first pregnancy."

"It's her first pregnancy too, El. And I know it has to be hard for her to try and understand what I am going through when she has never been through it herself."

"I think she should try a little harder. For you and for Greyson."

"Things have just been so crazy. And there are only a few weeks left before the baby comes. I should be setting up the nursery and preparing for his arrival, not mediating between two adults while they fight over who gets to love the baby more."

"We're childish. And you are absolutely right. I promise I will start thinking and acting like a grown up from now on."

Elliot couldn't decide if the look she gave him was more worried or tired.

"Are we okay?" he asked looking into her eyes.

"We have to be," she said softly as she slipped her hand into his. "We're about to have a son together. And that means that you are stuck with me for at least the next eighteen years."

"I look forward to it," he said with a smile as he leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "Honey, you look exhausted. Why don't you go on to bed?"

"There is still a bed in the guest room. I wanted to take it down and put up a crib, but Alex and I still can't agree on whether or not I should set up the nursery at my apartment."

"I thought you lived together at her place?"

"I stay there, but she has never really asked me to move in. I thought until she and I made that commitment it would be better to have a room for the baby in both places."

"It makes sense."

"Maybe I didn't think this all the way through. I got pregnant intending on raising a child with a woman that I am not even living with."

"Liv, none of that matters now. You love Greyson and so does Alex, the rest will just fall into place."

"Maybe I just got ahead of myself. I mean maybe I got so wrapped up in wanting a baby that I didn't really consider what she wanted."

"The two of you discussed it, right? Alex wanted the baby too?"

"She said she did. But what if she only went along with the idea because it was what I wanted?"

"She loves Greyson or she wouldn't be arguing with me over those papers. You worry too much."

"I can't help it. This is my child. It is my job to over analyze everything and everyone in his life."

"I know Alex and I don't always see things eye to eye, but I also know that she is one of the good guys."

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Bringing a baby into a same sex home?"

"You are bringing him into an environment full of people who love him."

"But as his father….it doesn't worry you?"

"Not at all. Because I know that your number one concern above all else is our son. He is not even here yet and already you are an amazing mother."

"You think so?" she asked with a tired smile.

"I do. I also think you should go get some rest. I will be right here when you wake up and we can talk more in the morning if you'd like. I will even cook you breakfast."

"Thanks, El."

Elliot leaned back on the sofa and watched as she headed down the hall toward her bedroom.

Over the next couple of days Alex was busy working on a big case, so Elliot took it upon himself to occupy Olivia. He took her shopping and helped her pick out everything she needed to set up the perfect nursery for their son. After buying her lunch, they headed back to Olivia's apartment where Elliot set up all of the baby furniture and helped her decorate the room.

"This is so amazing El," Olivia said hanging as Elliot finished hanging the mobile over the baby's crib.

"Are you sure you don't want me to paint? It isn't too late you know. I could just cover this stuff and get that bluish-grey paint you liked so much. I think it will look really great with the white trim on the bottom half. I could have it completely finished in about two days."

Olivia laughed. "The name of the color is storm. You don't think it would be too much?"

"I think it would be great. And I want this to be everything you want."

"Okay, lets paint the room," she said with a smile.

"Why don't you sit down and rest a little, while I go get the paint and supplies?"

"You want to do it now?"

"We can wait, if you want. But I am free now. If I do it now, we can have the room finished by tomorrow evening."

"Alright," she laughed.

"But I mean it, I want you to sit down for a little bit and put your feet up. You have been going nonstop all day."

"I will."

"Oh, I was thinking…. if you weren't busy, maybe we could rent a couple of movies and order a pizza tonight."

Olivia smiled. It was so nice to have someone here who actually wanted to spend time with her.

"I'm not busy," she said softly.

"I'll be right back," Elliot said with a smile as he headed for the door.

Later Olivia supervised from the rocking chair while Elliot painted the walls.

"I wish you would let me help. You shouldn't have to do all of the work."

"You shouldn't even be in the room with the paint smell."

"It isn't that bad and the windows are open. Elliot, I appreciate you being so protective over Greyson and I, but we are fine."

"Yeah? How is everything going with the pregnancy?"

"It's good. Uncomfortable at times, but good."

"Good."

"I have an appointment in a couple of days, if you're not busy…." she mocked with a smile as they both laughed. "Seriously though, I would love for you to come. They are gonna do another sonogram."

"That wont bother Alex?"

"Elliot, you are his father. Alex is just going to have to get used to that. Besides, she is so tied up with this big case I am sure she will have to work."

"She hasn't really been around much lately, has she?"

"She is just busy. She wants to be here, but there is still so much she has to do before the baby comes. And as long as she is there when he is born, I think it will be alright."

"You asked her to be in the delivery room?"

"The doctor said I could have up to three people in there when he is born. I want you both there. I really _need_ you both there."

"There is nowhere else I would rather be. I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Olivia smiled again as Elliot smoothed his hands over her belly.

"I was hoping you would say that."

"I've gotta get this last little bit of trim," he said putting the finishing touches on the last wall. "There, all done! Not bad," he said looking around the room.

"It looks great. This room is going to be so perfect."

"Instant nursery. Just add baby," Elliot joked. "Are you getting hungry?"

"Elliot, I am eight and a half months pregnant, I am always hungry."

"So, why don't you decide what you want on your pizza while I go wash the paint off of me."

"Banana peppers and anchovies," she said as her eyes lit up.

"Banana peppers and anchovies," Elliot laughed as he made an awful face. "You keep thinking about it, I'll call in the order after I get cleaned up. Then we can go rent a few movies and pick it up on the way back."

"That sounds good."

They spent that evening curled up on the sofa together under a throw blanket eating the most disgusting pizza Elliot had ever tasted and watching girly movies until they fell asleep. Elliot wouldn't have had it any other way.


	10. 10 Devastation

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Ten: Devastation)_

Two days later Elliot sat beside Olivia in the waiting area at her doctor's office. He stared down at some article in a Parents magazine pretending to read, while he listened to Olivia talking to Alex on the phone.

"I know. No, I understand you are busy….I just thought that you would be here for this appointment."

Things were quiet for a moment before she began to speak again.

"Because you promised you would. Alex, you have not been to an appointment in over four months. I know, this just came up and now you have to work. I just hope that nothing comes up when it is time for me to have the baby, because I really want you to be there."

It frustrated Elliot to think of all of the times Alex had let Olivia down over the last few months. He didn't see how Alex didn't want to be right there beside her every step of the pregnancy, but obviously she didn't see things the same way that he did. He just really hoped that somehow Alex would come around quickly, because Olivia was really counting on her to be there when Greyson was born.

Olivia closed her phone and was quiet for a moment. Elliot turned to look at her, noticing she was about to cry. He hated seeing her cry.

"Alex isn't coming," she said softly without looking at him. "Again."

"Liv, is everything alright between the two of you? I don't mean to pry, but it kind of seems like she is absent a lot lately."

"I don't really know if things are alright."

Elliot lowered his magazine and watched her.

"Sometimes….I just get so lonely, you know? She says she wants to be here, but she never is. If it wasn't for you I would be going through this entire pregnancy alone. And after our fight a couple of nights ago….I have not even seen Alex and have barely spoken to her. I can't help but wonder if she isn't trying to avoid me right now."

"Are you guys breaking up?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I mean she hasn't really said anything to me about wanting to. Then again, we don't exactly have a normal relationship, either. Maybe she is trying to tell me she just wants her space. I know I really upset her when I told her I wasn't going to ask you to sign those papers. Maybe she was more upset than I realized."

Olivia reached up and wiped away a tear.

"I'm sure she is disappointed that she couldn't be here. She is just trying to get all of this work finished up so she can take some time off when the baby comes. You'll see. I'll bet she is so excited about finally being able to meet this little guy that she can't even stand it. She probably just wants to make sure things are in order so that she can take some time off with you and Greyson when he comes home from the hospital."

"I hope you're right," she said looking at the magazine in his hands. "Are you really reading Parents magazine?"

"This is a very interesting article. You can learn a lot from these."

"You are reading that?"

"Yes. Why is that so hard for you to believe?"

Olivia laughed. "Because," she said with a smile as she pointed down to the page he was supposedly reading, "that is an advertisement for a breast pump."

Elliot smiled, knowing he had been caught.

"The reviews are good," he said with a laugh.

"Olivia Benson," a woman called from across the room. "The doctor can see you now."

"Here we go," she said as Elliot turned to help her up from her seat.

Inside Olivia laid back on the table as the nurse put some gel across her abdomen. She smiled nervously up at Elliot as the woman dragged the wand across her belly until the baby boy appeared on the screen.

"There he is," Elliot said with a smile. "Handsome little guy."

"He looks like his father," Olivia said. "He has your profile."

"How have things been going, Olivia?" The woman asked. "Have you experienced any cramping or bleeding?"

"Not at all. Things have been fine."

"When was the last time you felt the baby move or kick?" she asked as Elliot studied the look of concern on the woman's face.

"Umm, it has been a few days. I guess. Why? Is something wrong with our baby?"

"I'm having a little trouble finding a heartbeat. It could be nothing. This happens sometimes, it could just be the machine," she said laying down the wand and moving to the door. "Try not to worry. I am going to get the doctor and she will probably want to do a vaginal sonogram to make sure everything is alright."

"Try not to worry?" Olivia asked as Elliot squeezed her hand. "You tell us that our baby may not have a heartbeat and then ask us not to worry?"

"You're not a parent, are you?" Elliot asked.

"No, sir."

"I can tell."

The woman excused herself from the room.

"Hey, she said it happens sometimes. You heard her. It is probably just the machine," Elliot said trying to calm her nerves.

Olivia drew a staggered breath.

"But what if it isn't? What if there is something wrong with our son?"

Elliot stared into her tear filled eyes, fighting back tears of his own. He wished he had the answer that would make everything okay. But this time he had no idea what to say to her.

Olivia stood up and put on the gown the woman had left for her. She was trying so hard to hold herself together, but she had never been so scared in her life. She had just settled back into her place on the table when her doctor entered the room.

"Olivia, how are we today?" she asked.

"Scared to death. What is wrong with my baby?"

"That is what we are about to find out," she said. "She felt around on Olivia's belly, then picked up the wand for the ultrasound to take a look for herself. "I see the baby, the size is good."

"Can you get a heartbeat?" Elliot asked.

She shook her head and laid the wand back in the holder. "I think we should try the vaginal sonogram," she said then began assisting Olivia in sliding down on the table and placing her feet into the stirrups. "I am going to examine you first and make sure everything looks alright, then we will go on with the sonogram."

Olivia shifted uncomfortably and looked up at the ceiling.

"You seem to be exactly where you should be at this point in the pregnancy. We don't normally use a vaginal sonogram this late in pregnancy, but sometimes it is a more accurate means of finding a fetal heartbeat. If the baby is in a position that might make it hard to get a good reading, we can usually get it this way."

Olivia exhaled as Elliot took her hand in his and raised it to his lips.

"It's gonna be okay," he whispered softly.

"It has to be," she said softly as another tear slid down her cheek.

They stared at the screen until the form of the baby appeared once more. They watched, both crying as their son laid motionless and the doctor tried desperately to locate a fetal heart rate, but there was nothing.

"Oh God," Olivia whimpered softly.

"I am so sorry," the doctor said softly as she turned off the monitor.

"God no," Olivia gasped and Elliot knelt to hug her.

"She was just in here a couple of weeks ago and everything was good. What happened?" he asked, unable to hold back his own tears.

"It is really hard to tell. It could be any number of things. I'll give you guys a few minutes, then we can discuss options."

Olivia was quiet when the doctor left the room. She sat up and began to dress again.

"Liv, are you alright?"

She stared at the floor and shook her head then raised her sad eyes to look at him. Elliot watched as she broke into tears. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms tightly around her, just holding her while she cried.

"So what do we do now?" Olivia asked softly as the doctor re-entered the room.

"I would like to admit you to the hospital tonight. Give you something to help you rest and induce labor in the morning."

"Do we have to do this right now?" Elliot asked.

"We should do it as soon as possible."

"Can't it wait a couple of days? Give us a little time to…."

"No," Olivia said running her fingers through her hair, "I just want to get it over with."

"Alright, I will call the hospital and let them know to expect you."

Olivia nodded as she stood up and grabbed her jacket.

Elliot drove her back to her apartment to help her pack some things for her hospital stay. Neither of them said a word. A few hours later Olivia found herself laying in a hospital bed staring out the window and trying to figure out how any of this had happened.

"Are you hungry?" Elliot asked kissing her forehead.

"Not really," she said softly.

"Honey, you should eat something. I can order from somewhere or go pick something up if you'd like."

"No."

"Liv…."

"I just not hungry, El."

"Okay," he said sitting in the chair beside the bed and trying to think of anything he could do to make this easier on her. "I tried to call Alex."

"Did you tell her?"

"No, it just went to voicemail. I think this is something she should hear in person. I left a message and asked her to call you or me as soon as she got it."

"I don't know how to tell her."

"We could tell her together. If that would help."

"Maybe. She's probably in court."

"Olivia, it's seven thirty at night."

"She's been really busy, El. I'm sure she's just busy."

"I will try again in a little while. I will get a hold of her. You want me to find us a good movie?"

"No thank you, El. I am just really tired," she whispered. "I think I wanna go to sleep now."

"Alright," he answered, "I'll let that nurse know that you are ready for your medication now."

Olivia exhaled softly and wiped the tears from her eyes as she nodded her head in agreement. Elliot pushed the call button clipped to the side of her bed and spoke to the nurse on duty.

"Elliot," Olivia said softly raising her sad and tired eyes to look into his.

"Yes, sweetheart."

"Will you stay with me?" she whispered. "While I sleep?"

"Of course I will," he replied forcing a smile. "I would never leave you, Olivia. I am going to be right here beside you, as long as you need me to."

Elliot sat down in the chair beside her bed and took her hand in his. He raised it to his mouth and kissed it softly.

"I am so sorry," she gasped as tears streamed down both sides of her face.

"This wasn't your fault," Elliot reminded her. "Sometimes these things just happen. And it is horrible. But it is in no way your fault."

"I am his mother. It was my job to protect him."

"And you did everything you could do. You are a good mother. But sometimes bad things still happen, that are completely out of our control. No one blames you, Olivia. And you shouldn't blame yourself."

"I am just going to put this medication into your IV," the doctor said. "It wont take very long to take effect. You should sleep pretty soundly tonight and we will start you on a Pitocin drip in the morning. Do you need another pillow or an extra blanket?"

"I don't," Olivia replied. "But we need something for him," she said looking over to Elliot.

"I will have someone bring in some bedding. That chair slides out to a single bed. Not the most comfortable thing in the world."

"It will be fine," Elliot assured her. "I just don't want to leave her."

The woman smiled.

"If you need anything else during the night, just push that button. There is always someone at the desk at the end of the hall."

"Thank you doctor."

Elliot looked over at Olivia, who was nearly cross-eyed trying so hard not to fall asleep just yet.

"You are so tired," he said softly reaching to turn off the lamp beside the bed. "Get some rest. I will be right here if you need me."

"I should be the one to break the news to Alex. If she calls, will you wake me?"

"Of course."

Elliot turned on the television and turned the volume almost all the way down. He shut off the lights in the room and seated himself beside her in the chair once more. There was a soft tap at the door and the woman from behind the desk handed him a couple of blankets and a pillow. He folded down the chair and made up his little makeshift bed.

As he settled into his pillow he looked over at Olivia sleeping like an angel. He sat up and kissed her on the forehead tucking her blanket around her. Elliot leaned back into his chair as he stared out the window into the city night as he felt the heat of his own tears on his face.

It was almost five o'clock in the morning when Elliot heard her soft voice.

"El, wake up."

"Yeah," he said sitting up and wiping his eyes to look at Olivia. "The doctor is about to come in and induce. They said it could still take hours, but I thought you would want to be awake for this."

"I'm glad you woke me."

Elliot picked up his cell phone, no missed calls.

"Did you hear back from Alex?"

"Not yet, but my signal isn't that great," he lied as he stared down at the full signal.

Elliot stood up and kissed her forehead once more.

"I'm gonna step out in the hall and try her again. I will be back before they do anything, I promise."

"It is five o'clock in the morning. She is probably asleep."

"Then she isn't at work," Elliot said. "I will only be a minute. And I am just outside that door."

Olivia nodded and watched him disappear into the hall.

Two hours later, Elliot held Olivia's hand as the doctor checked her to see if she was dilating. He had no idea what this felt like, but by the look in her eyes, it wasn't exactly pleasant.

"You are starting to dilate slowly," the woman said covering Olivia with the sheet. "You will feel the contractions start to increase in time and intensity as they get closer together. I will come back in a little while to check you again. Some women don't dilate fast enough with Pitocin. If you have not made better progress in a few hours, I might go ahead and break your water to kind of help the process along a bit."

"We could be here a while," Olivia said laying back against her pillow.

"It takes a while."

"These contractions suck and I am just getting started. They are only going to get worse."

"They can bring you some medication for the pain."

"If I get it too early it could wear off."

"So they can give you more, later."

"I don't want to do that, Elliot. The pain medicines are bad for the ba…."

Olivia caught herself in the middle of the statement and was quiet for a moment.

"I'm gonna ask her for something," Elliot said reaching for the button.

"No. I don't want it."

"Okay."

"Did you check your phone? Incase Alex called?"

"It isn't showing any missed calls, but I can try her again."

Olivia smiled.

"Give me a minute," he said stepping into the hall once more.

Elliot listened as the phone rang and rang and rang, then went to voicemail again.

"Alex, this is Elliot. Again…. I am at the hospital with Olivia and she is having the baby. Now. She keeps asking for you and she really wants you to be here. You should be here, Alex. She needs you."

Elliot took a deep breath as the phone beeped ending the message.

"Come on Alex," he mumbled to himself, "don't let her down again."

Elliot sat by Olivia's side all day, holding her hand through her labor pains. Olivia asked several more times for Alex, but she never came. Around four o'clock that afternoon the doctor finally came in and broke Olivia's water. Elliot had hoped that would speed up the labor and help to get it over with, but things were still going pretty slowly.

At six o'clock Olivia seemed to be in horrible pain and was asking for Alex again. Elliot dialed Alex's cell, home and office numbers with no luck. He hung up the phone and dialed another number.

"Fin, can you do me a favor? I have been trying to reach Alex for the last two days with no luck. I don't know if she is not getting my messages or if she is just trying to avoid me. At this point, it doesn't even matter. What does matter is that Olivia has been asking for her all day. Is there anyway you can go by her apartment and let her know what is going on?"

"Sure thing. How is Olivia holding up?"

"She is in a lot of pain and she won't take any pain medication. The labor is starting to progress a little faster. Hopefully this will all be over soon and she can get some rest."

"You guys are in all of our prayers. We were sure sorry to hear it, man."

"Thanks, Fin."

"Listen, some of us were thinking about coming up to visit Liv tomorrow. Maybe bring her some flowers. I mean, if you don't think it would be too much."

"No, I think she'd be glad to see you guys. And it will be good for her to have some friends here for support. I've gotta get back to Olivia. Thank you for tracking Alex down for me."

"No problem. If there is anything else I can do, don't hesitate to call."

"Thanks, man."

Olivia whimpered in pain as the doctor checked her again.

"She has been in labor for hours. Isn't there something you can do?" Elliot asked.

"She is dilated enough I could give her an epidural."

"I was thinking more like a c-section and just get it over with."

"A cesarean is a last resort. There is a lot more risk involved and a longer healing time. I would really rather her deliver vaginally if at all possible."

"She has been in labor since early this morning. I just don't understand why it is necessary for her to go through this much pain," he said leaning in so Olivia wouldn't hear. "It is just making this harder on her. To have to go through all of this and not even get to keep the baby."

"I understand your concern, but this is what is best for Olivia. An unnecessary cesarean raises the risks of delivery for Olivia. I am monitoring everything closely and I promise you if there is any sign of complication we will get in there and get that baby out. But for right now, you are just going to have to trust me that this is what is best for her."

Elliot didn't like it, but he knew she was right. He sat with her, comforting her when she cried, not completely sure if the tears were because of her physical or emotional pain.

It was about eight thirty when Olivia finally agreed to allow the doctor to give her an epidural. After that, things seemed to be a little better on her. At ten thirty it was time for her to start pushing.

Elliot took his place beside Olivia and held her hand tight in his. He counted with the doctor between pushes and breathed with Olivia as he coached her.

"We are almost there," he said softly as she prepared to push again.

"I just want it to be over," Olivia whimpered.

"I know sweetheart."

A couple more big pushes and at eleven twenty seven the baby boy was finally delivered. An eerie silence fell over the delivery room as the doctor wrapped the infant and handed him off to a nurse, who carried him out of the room.

"You did good," she said looking at Olivia.

"Yeah," she said softly.

"Let's get you cleaned up and settled back in your room. Can you give us about fifteen minutes?" the doctor asked looking at Elliot.

"I'll be just down the hall," Elliot said leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Okay."

Elliot walked down the hall and bought a cup of coffee from a vending machine. He pulled out his phone and called Fin again.

"Elliot, how's Olivia?"

"She had a rough delivery. She is with the doctor now. Did you find Alex?"

"I sat outside her apartment for over an hour with no luck. I have called half a dozen times. Casey said she was in court this afternoon."

"It seems she is avoiding us all."

"Does she know about the baby?"

"Yea, I had to leave her a message because she never returned any of my calls."

"I don't know why she is being like this. Olivia has enough going on without dealing with her shit, too."

"I know," Elliot agreed. "I need to get back to Liv. Thanks for trying."

"I'll talk to you guys tomorrow."

Elliot exhaled and returned to Olivia's hospital room just as they were getting her settled.

"Hey you," he said softly returning to her side.

"Hey."

"How do you feel?"

Olivia just stared at him for a moment.

"Like my heart was just ripped from my chest," she said trying not to cry.

"I know, honey."

"Where's the baby?" Olivia asked looking at the nurse who was checking her vitals.

"The doctor wanted to examine him."

"I want to see him."

"Ma'am, I am sorry for your loss. But that is against policy. I am afraid I can't do that."

"She was just in labor for eighteen hours and you can't even let her see the baby?" Elliot asked trying hard not to yell at the woman. "I want to talk to the doctor!"

"Yes, sir."

It took Elliot a little convincing, but the doctor who had delivered the baby finally agreed to bring him in for Olivia to see.

"Liv," Elliot asked softly, "are you sure you want to do this? It might make things harder."

"I just want to see him, El. I need to see him."

The doctor carried in a bundle wrapped in a receiving blanket.

"Keep in mind he was early," she said as she shifted the blanket. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked looking at Olivia.

"I'm sure," she said softly.

The doctor handed her the bundle and pulled back the blanket so that Olivia could see the baby's face. Olivia took a deep breath and shifted her eyes to look at the infant. He was small and looked like he was sleeping in his mother's arms. He had thick dark hair and Elliot's nose.

"He is so beautiful," she said softly. "He looks like you."

"What happened?" Elliot asked with tears streaming down his face as he looked up at the doctor. "A few days ago he was fine."

"As far as I can tell the baby became tangled in the umbilical cord. The cord was detached from the placenta. It is rare, but it does happen. Other than that, he appears perfectly healthy. He weighed five pounds, eleven ounces. If you had been able to carry to full term, he probably would have been just over seven pounds. I am really sorry for your loss."

Olivia exhaled and kissed Greyson's little forehead.

"Mommy and daddy will always love you, angel."

She handed the infant back to the doctor and watched as they carried him from the room. Elliot slid into the bed beside her as Olivia began to break down again.

"I can't believe he's gone," she said softly. "I feel so empty inside."

"I know, baby."

Elliot opened his arms and pulled her in against him. He held her tight as they cried together over the loss of their baby boy.


	11. 11 Shattered

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Eleven: Shattered)_

Elliot opened his eyes and stretched. This wasn't the first time had had woken up in Olivia's bed, but this time it was under _very_ different circumstances. After a two days in the hospital, Olivia's doctor had given her prescriptions for pain and depression as well as something to help her sleep. After she was discharged Elliot drove them to her apartment where he had decided to stay with her for a few days until she was feeling a little better.

Losing their son wasn't going to be easy on either of them, but right now Olivia needed him to be strong enough to help her through it. He still hadn't really been able to get her to eat anything and there had still been no word from Alex, which only seemed to make things harder on Olivia.

Elliot rolled over and kissed Olivia's forehead as she rested. He pulled the blanket up around her shoulders and moved down the hall to the kitchen. Elliot pulled eggs and bacon from the refrigerator and began to cook them some breakfast. He had just put the toast into the toaster when he heard a noise in the living room.

Elliot walked into the next room to see Alex as she opened the door and stepped inside the apartment.

"Oh," she said staring at him a bit in shock, "I didn't realize you were here."

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked in a stern voice.

"I came to see Olivia. Not that it is any of your business."

"Do you have any clue what is going on with her? You might, if you'd had the decency to return any one of the dozens of messages I left for you!"

"I got your messages. I have been busy, Elliot. I do have a life."

"You have been busy? She is supposed to be your life!" he shouted as he pointed down the hall toward the room where Olivia now slept. "She needed you, Alex! She asked for you! She waited for you and wanted you!"

"Look, anything that needs to be said is between me and Olivia. My life with her does not involve you," she argued. "I realize that you are this baby's biological father, but that it no reason that you and I have to be anywhere near each other at any point in time. I understand that you and Liv will always be friends and share a son together. But my life with Olivia will involve Olivia, Greyson and I! You are nowhere in that picture. It is just me, her and the baby."

"She lost the baby, Alex! That is what I have been trying so desperately to tell you these past several days!"

Alex stood there for a few seconds unsure of what to say.

"You should go," Elliot said staring her down knowing she felt like shit.

"I want to talk to Olivia."

"No," he said shaking his head.

"You can't keep me from seeing her."

"I can give it one hell of a try," he said stepping in front of her. "It took her days to calm down enough to finally be able to get some sleep and I'll be damned if you are gonna go in there and wake her up now. I understand the two of you have things you need to discuss and work out, but this is not the time or the place. I think you should leave."

"Elliot…."

"Get out," he said opening the door.

Alex scoffed and walked out the door.

Elliot turned around and returned to the kitchen to finish making their breakfast. A few minutes later he turned around to see Olivia standing in front of the kitchen counter.

"Good morning," he said sitting a plate down in front of her. "I made breakfast."

"I see that," she said pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"How did you sleep?"

"Alright," she said softly.

"How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"

"Physically, I'm fine. A little sore, but I'll be okay. But emotionally, I'm not sure if I can ever recover from this. I mean, is losing you child something you are supposed to recover from?"

"I don't think so," he said kissing her forehead. "You should eat something. You can't take medicine on an empty stomach."

Olivia smiled a shy smile.

"It smells wonderful," she said picking up her fork.

Elliot watched her for a moment.

"Alex came by."

Olivia looked up at him.

"You were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you. I told her what happened with the baby." Elliot was quiet for a moment as she laid her napkin in her lap and stared at the counter. "She demanded to see you and I was pissed off at her for not being there for you. I didn't want her waking you. I yelled at her and asked her to leave."

Olivia looked up at him.

"You threw Alex out of my apartment?"

"I know it may not have been my place, but I am not about to sit here and let her walk all over you right now. I think maybe she should give you a little time and you can contact her when you are ready."

Olivia exhaled and blinked at him.

"I heard you talking to her. I was in the hallway and saw the whole thing. I was actually wondering if you were going to tell me she came by."

"I had always intended on telling you she came by. I wouldn't keep that from you. Maybe I was out of line."

"You were trying to protect me from being hurt again. I know that. And I appreciate that. You're right. After everything that has happened….this thing with Alex is the last thing on my mind. It, whatever _it_ was, is over now. I have lost the most precious thing in my life and the only one who can possibly understand how I feel, it you," she sobbed. "Because you lost him, too."

Elliot stepped around the counter and hugged her tight.

"I'm glad that you asked her to leave, Elliot. Because I just don't think I am ready to talk to her yet. She made it very clear to me that she didn't really want this baby, she just went along with it because that was what I wanted."

"Liv, there is no doubt in my mind that Alex cares for you."

"Elliot, when people care about you, they show up when you need them. And the only person who was there for me, was you."

"And I am always going to be. I think she got scared. And didn't know how to handle it. And she knew how bad you were hurting and didn't know how to help."

"So she just didn't," Olivia replied. "But it was worse than that. She didn't answer my calls, she didn't respond to yours and not once in the three days I was at the hospital did she call to check on me or Greyson. People who love you don't hurt you like that. She did more than hurt me, she broke my heart. Because I honestly did think she could have been the one. Once again I let my guard down and I got burned. You would think eventually I would learn better."

"I think you should just take a couple of days to think it through. Then call her or go see her. Even if it really is over, I think you will feel better after you are able to say that to her. I do think that this has been way to much excitement this early in the morning. I think you should finish your breakfast and I'll grab a blanket. We can curl up on the sofa like we do when you're sick, me at one end and you at the other. I'll give you a foot massage and we can watch soap operas all day."

"What about work?"

"I'm not leaving you alone right now," he said wiping a tear from her cheek. "I think right now being with each other is the only thing keeping us from going crazy."

Olivia smiled softly.

"You just might be right."


	12. 12 Escape

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Twelve: Escape)_

Elliot stood beside Olivia at the head of the tiny coffin that now contained their infant son. He never imagined he would have to bury one of his children, let alone one who had never even gotten the chance to live. He heard a small hiccup of a noise and turned to place his arm around Olivia to offer his support.

They hadn't spoke in days. They arrived together at the funeral home to make the arrangements for their little boy, but picking out a pine box for her newborn son proved to be more than Olivia could handle. After she broke down and ran from the room crying, Elliot drove her home and returned later on his own to complete the details of Greyson's funeral.

Even with all of these people standing around her, Olivia had never felt more alone. Something inside of her died when she lost her son, something deep inside her heart. It was as if the loss of the child had left a massive hole in her heart, a hole that would never be full again. Elliot was trying so hard to be supportive and the truth was that just seeing his face made it harder for her to deal with the reality that she would never see their beautiful little boy again. She felt so empty inside. Dark, cold and alone.

Elliot felt her tremble in the early November breeze and it broke his heart to see her cry. He reached out for her hand as he watched the tears trail down both sides of her face, but she pulled away from him.

Elliot gulped feeling a knot tighten in his throat and could barely breath himself. In the front row, his older children sat sobbing beside their mother. Their friends and co-workers filled the little tent to pay their respects to the tiny little soul that was lost but not forgotten.

He drew a deep breath and sighed, clearing his throat as he went misty eyed and reached his own breaking point. Elliot sniffled as Olivia turned to look him in the eye. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. In her hands she clutched a teddy bear that Elliot had bought for their baby, the day they found out they were expecting a son. That was the single best day of her life. And today….as she stood here and watched as they lowered the little casket into the ground….today was by far the worst.

After the funeral a small get together was held at Olivia's apartment. Everyone brought food and stood around talking. But Olivia just sat there watching, broken hearted as the world continued to turn.

She didn't know what it was exactly that made her look up, but she did almost instinctively. There in the back of the room, nervously sipping on a glass of wine and feeling out of place, was Alex. Alex stared at her for a moment as their eyes met, then Olivia turned to stare out the window.

Alex sat her wine glass on the end table and made her way across the room to Olivia's side.

"Liv, I am so sorry."

"Thank you," Olivia whispered without looking at her.

"Is there somewhere we can go to talk? In private. Just for a few moments."

"This isn't really the time or the place, Alex."

"Olivia, please. Just come into the kitchen and let me make you a cup of tea."

"Alex…." Olivia gasped looking up at her with pleading eyes as she cried.

"A cup of tea always makes you feel better," Alex said placing her hand in Olivia's and leading her into the kitchen.

Olivia leaned against the counter and stared at the floor as Alex pulled a mug of hot tea from the microwave.

"There, see now? Better, huh? Just a little?"

"Alex, what do you want?" Olivia asked looking up at her.

"I want to apologize. I wasn't here for you and I should have been. At first I thought that you would rather it just be you and Elliot in there. The first message I got just said you were having the baby. It wasn't until later that I realized that…." Alex paused for a moment as her mind scrambled for words. "I was scared. You were hurting and I didn't know how to handle it."

"You think I did? That baby was a part of me. He was growing inside of me. For months I felt him move," she said as a tear rolled down her left cheek. "He was my son."

"I knew that I should have been there with you, but I didn't know what to say or do to make it better. I panicked."

"You didn't have to say anything! Just being there would have meant the world to me. I needed you. I asked for you, I wanted you. Elliot sat there beside me wanting nothing more than for me to reach out to him, but all I wanted was you. He called you, but you never came."

"Liv, I know I hurt you. And I am so sorry I wasn't there for you. Please forgive me."

"I forgive you Alex. I just don't think that I can forget right now."

"Liv, I love you. And I miss you like crazy. Please come home."

"I am home," Olivia said softly as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I think that it would be best if I got my things and moved back in here for a while."

Alex smoothed her hands over her face wiping away her own tears.

"This is about Elliot?"

"No Lex, this is about me. And the fact that I need to figure a lot of things out on my own right now. I still care about you and I don't want to lose our friendship. I just don't think that I can focus on this relationship right now."

"Do you even want a relationship with me anymore? It is no big secret, Olivia, that things were slowly falling apart between us long before this."

"To be completely honest, I am not sure what I want anymore. I just need some time."

"Time?" Alex asked as she made her way toward the door.

Olivia stood alone for a while before Elliot entered the room.

"Hey, you."

"Hey," she said in a soft and tired voice.

"I saw you talking to Alex. Is everything okay?"

"Nothing is okay."

"Liv, I know you are hurting…."

"Elliot, please do not give me your psycho babble bullshit! I just want to be alone. I want all of these people out of my house and I want to be left the hell alone. I swear if one more person tells me how sorry they are I am going to scream," she sobbed as she began to break down crying once again. "What am I even supposed to say to that? Thank you? That just makes me feel even worse. I may just seem like I am being a bitch…maybe I am a bitch! I just want to be left alone," she said as she sat in the floor with her knees pulled to her chest and cried.

"Alright. I'll go and ask everyone to leave."

Olivia was sitting in the floor with her head in her hands when Elliot left. He calmly thanked all of their friends for their support and soon everyone had headed back to their own lives and Olivia was alone once again. It wasn't long before she realized that being alone didn't make her feel any better at all, it only made her feel lonely.

She pulled herself from the floor and made her way down the hall to her bedroom. She drew a staggered breath as she picked up the picture frame on the dresser with the last sonogram picture of baby Greyson in it and kissed it, then she opened a drawer and placed the frame inside. She walked slowly to her bed and climbed under the blankets and closed her eyes praying for sleep to come.

Five days later, Elliot sat at his desk trying hard to focus on work. The fact that Olivia hadn't come back to work yet really worried him. And to make matters worse, she had turned off her cell phone so that people would stop calling to check up on her. Elliot stared at her empty chair for a moment before pulling his wallet from his back pocket. Inside was a wallet sized sonogram photo of the son he would never know.

He took a deep breath and stared at it for a moment. It broke his heart to think that they would never hold Greyson, or play with him or watch him grow. And it killed him to know that all they could do was try to be strong and keep pushing forward. This was by far the hardest thing he had ever had to face and if he wasn't focusing so hard on being strong for Olivia, he would have fallen apart days ago.

Elliot wiped his hands over his face and closed his wallet. He cleared his throat to free it of the knot that had settled there and wiped away the tears that were about to fall from his eyes. He picked up the file from his desk and turned to make his way down the hall to the file room.

"Alex," he said half shocked to see her standing there.

"How are you doing?" she asked as she walked in his direction.

"I'm surviving. Thanks for asking."

Alex smiled at the fact that the words they shared were civil.

"Have you heard from Olivia? I'm really worried about her and she won't take my calls."

"She won't take mine either. She shut her phone off and said she just wants some time alone. She was supposed to come back to work yesterday. I am surprised that at least one of us hasn't heard from her by now. Alex, I am really sorry about the way I spoke to you the last time we met."

"You were trying to do what was best for Olivia."

"Yes. But I shouldn't have yelled at you. You didn't deserve it. It was completely inappropriate and I apologize."

"You have been through Hell these last few days. We have both tried to focus on her, but Greyson was your son, too. Look Elliot, I know that we have not always gotten along. But you and I share a common interest. I understand how much she means to you because I feel the same way about her."

"There was a time when we called ourselves friends."

Alex smiled again.

"Maybe that is something we can work on."

"Yea," he replied smiling back at her.

Alex exhaled deeply and sat against the corner of Olivia's desk looking at a photo of Elliot and Olivia on the corner of his desk.

"The real reason I came here today was to ask you for a favor," she said pressing her lips together nervously much the way Olivia always did.

"A favor?"

"I want you to go to the apartment and check on her. I would, but she is still upset with me….not that I blame her. But I know I wont make it past the front door."

"Alex, if you are that worried she won't open the door just use the key and let yourself in."

"I don't have a key."

"You don't? The two of you were together that long and she never gave you a key to her apartment?"

"She didn't need to. She was living with me. She really only went to the apartment to water the plants and get more clothes."

"I guess you have a point."

"I know there is a good chance that I will never get her back the way we were then. But I care enough about her that I don't really care if she chooses you instead of me, not as long as she is happy," Alex said as she wiped away a tear.

"Alex, she hasn't chosen me. She pushed me away too. The way she talks I don't really think she wants to be with either one of us for a while."

"I just want to know that she is alright. She needs someone there with her right now, even if she doesn't think she does."

"I'll stop by there on my way home. I'll get some take out and try to make sure she eats something."

"I knew I could count on you."

"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a call later and let you know how she is doing."

"Thank you, Elliot."

"No problem."

Elliot watched as she walked back toward the elevator. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one who was this concerned about Olivia.

That evening Elliot knocked on the door of Olivia's apartment. He stood in the hall holding a pizza. On top the box sat a paper bag full of all of her favorite junk foods, he was determined to get her to eat something. He knocked again for the fifth time and began to rifle through his keys when still did not answer.

"Liv?" Elliot called out as he entered the dark apartment.

As he pushed the door open it pushed aside a pile of mail that had been dropped through the slot in the door. She had the blinds closed and the heavy curtains pulled making the room so dark you couldn't even tell there was daylight outside. He sat the food on the counter and picked up her mail from the floor, then made his way to the living room and opened the drapes.

"That's better," he said as he made his way down the hall toward her bedroom.

"Liv?" he called out again, tapping on the door as he pushed it open.

She was laying in the bed curled into the fetal position and her prescription anti-depressant bottle sat on the night stand beside the bed. For a moment he was terrified that something horrible had taken place here, but looking very closely he could see the slight rise and fall of her chest with each breath she took.

"Thank God," he whispered forcing a smile as his heart tried to slow to its regular pace.

Elliot looked around the room noticing the sonogram picture missing from the dresser. He walked to the window and opened the curtains just enough to let the evening sun shine through. He turned and looked back at her over his shoulder.

"I am so sorry sweetheart," he whispered as he walked slowly to the edge of her bed and kicked off his shoes.

Elliot laid down on the bed beside her and just watched her sleep for a little while. He hadn't been able to sleep more than a few hours since they had lost the baby. And though she was heavily medicated, it was nice to see she was finally getting some rest.

"Sleep well pretty girl," he whispered softly.

Olivia must have heard him, because she began to stir just a bit and her eyes fluttered open. She sighed then looked at him a bit confused.

"It's okay," he said softly, "it's just me."

"El?" she whispered squinting her eyes to adjust to the light. "You opened the drapes?"

"I did."

"What are you doing here?"

"I hadn't seen or heard from you in days. I was worried. People are getting worried."

"What people?" she asked in disbelief.

"Me, Cragen and the guys."

Olivia rubbed her nose with her hand, then smiled.

"And Alex," he continued.

"Alex?"

"Yes. She was so worried she asked me to come by here and check on you. She knew you were upset with her and probably wouldn't open the door."

He watched as a smile slowly spread across her face.

"You talked to Alex?"

Elliot smiled, too.

"I did. We actually sat and had a conversation….and it was civil. No curse words or yelling. You would have been proud."

"I am proud."

Elliot folded up a pillow and rolled onto his side to gaze into her eyes. He reached out and brushed a bit of hair from her eyes.

"That's better. How do you feel?"

"Not good."

"You've been taking the pills your doctor prescribed?"

She nodded at him.

"Are they helping?"

"I just want to sleep. I feel like I am so exhausted and all I want to do is sleep."

"It could be a side effect of these pills," he said picking up the bottle to read the label.

"Trust me, I am better with them than without them," she said taking the bottle from him and putting it on the night stand on the other side of the bed.

"How long have you been held up in this bedroom?"

"Not long," she said as she pulled the blankets up around her and settled back into her pillow. "I'm just so tired."

"Well, I know it has been at least three days."

"And just how do you know that?"

"Your mail was piled up in front of the door."

Olivia laughed.

"I love seeing that smile. It has been a rough few days, honey, but you have to move forward with your life."

Elliot watched as she began to tear up once more.

"But what if I don't want to?"

Elliot kissed her forehead and hugged her.

"It will get easier. A little each day as time passes. When was the last time you ate something?"

"I don't remember. I haven't been hungry."

"I brought pizza. And comfort food."

"Junk food?"

"That too."

Elliot cupped his hand against the side of her face and gazed into her eyes once more.

"Please get up and eat with me. I think we could both use the company."

Olivia climbed slowly from the bed and he followed her down the hall. Elliot set two places at the bar and took a seat on the stool beside her.

"I just don't know how to be with out him," she said softly as she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "I keep catching myself with my hand on my abdomen, waiting for him to kick. But I will never feel him move again. I can't bring myself to go into the nursery. I have not been in there since you helped me set up the crib. I stood in the doorway for a few moments and tried to imagine him in there, sleeping in the crib or rocking him in the chair. But I can't," she paused for few seconds, "I couldn't handle it. So I just closed the door, that was five days ago and I haven't been able to bring myself to go back in there."

"Maybe we should go somewhere. Just get away. From here, from that room and all of the memories. For a few days or a week. Then I can help you with the nursery. When you are ready. I can help you take things down. I think that is something that would be better for us to face together. But there is no rush, Liv. That stuff can sit in that room for a year and it isn't hurting a thing. It can wait until you are ready."

"I don't know if I will ever be ready. But I don't think that I can begin to move forward until I can face what is in that room."

"Tell you what, I have a few things that I need to get done for a case. Then I can get Fin to take over it for me. I can do that tomorrow morning and we can leave town by noon."

"Where would we go?" she asked softly.

"I'll take you anywhere you want to go."

"I don't want to go anywhere. I am perfectly happy here. Well, as happy as I can be."

"I think you just need a little break. A few days. Just take this time to focus on you, Liv. Get away from all of this and give yourself the time and chance to start to heal."

Olivia just blinked and stared at him.

"Think about it," he said as he climbed from the bed and reached for her hand to help her up as well. "For now, we should go have dinner while it's still hot."

"I got your favorite, double pepperoni and mushroom," he said handing her a plate as she curled up under a blanket on the couch.

Olivia smiled.

"You always take such good care of me."

"I'm your best friend, that's part of my job."

Olivia laughed softly.

Elliot watched as she picked at a slice of pizza. After dinner, they watched TV together for a few hours until Olivia fell asleep in his arms on the couch. The next morning, Elliot woke with her sleeping soundly in his arms. He shifted and checked the time on his watch. As he did, Olivia raised her head to look at him.

"Good morning sunshine," Elliot said with a smile.

"Good morning," she whispered.

"Would you like me to make you some breakfast?"

"Pancakes?" Olivia asked as a smile slowly spread across her face.

"For you? Anything."

"Pancakes, definitely."

"With peanut butter," Elliot added and Olivia nodded. "That's my girl," Elliot replied kissing her forehead.

After breakfast, Elliot washed the dishes.

"I've got to go get a few things done at work. I'll be back in a few hours."

"Do you still want to go away?" she asked.

"Sure, if you do."

"I was just thinking, maybe you are right. Maybe I could use a little time away from here. Away from this apartment and these people and this city. But it's kind of short notice for an extravagant vacation and that does seem a little inappropriate when you are in mourning."

"What about something a little closer to home? I'm sure I could get the keys to Cragen's cabin. It is a few miles outside of town and it's secluded. No hustle and bustle of city life. We can grab some groceries and some bait…."

"Bait?"

"For fishing."

"El, I don't fish," she said wrinkling up her nose.

Elliot laughed.

"Alright. But there are other things we can do. Hike and picnic, go out on the lake in the boat and swim if you want. Just relax for a while. What do you think?"

"I think it sounds nice. I need to get in the shower," she said as she stood and headed down the hall.

"You take your shower, then pack a bag. I'll be back around noon. We can grab lunch somewhere then go get some food for the cabin and we'll be on our way."

Forty five miles outside the city, after a drive that seemed to take hours, Elliot pulled Olivia's car up in front of the cabin.

"How old is this place?" Olivia asked looking at the beautiful countryside around them as she stepped out of the car.

"Cragen bought it at auction twenty years ago. Apparently the last owners fell behind on their payments and the bank foreclosed. He bought it for the back taxes. He said it was a steal."

"It is beautiful out here. So peaceful and quiet."

"Two of the best qualities," he replied pulling their bags from the backseat of the car. "It is the perfect place to unwind and get a little recuperation time."

"You've been here before?"

"Not in a while. I used to bring the kids out here for camping and fishing on the lake."

"What is the inside like?"

"It's not the Hilton, but it's nice for an old fishing cabin."

"It will be nice to get away from everything for a while."

Elliot unlocked the door and carried their luggage into the bedroom.

"It's…..cozy," she said in an attempt to be optimistic, "in a one room shack sort of way."

"You hate it? It isn't too late to go somewhere else. I'll take you anywhere you want to go."

"No," she said with a smile, "I guess somehow I was just expecting it to have a little more living space. I want to stay."

Elliot watched as she glanced at the only bed in the cabin and a weary smile crossed her face.

"You can have the bedroom," he said smiling back at her. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"We could flip a coin or something. That would make it more fair," she suggested.

"Liv, really, it's alright."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Elliot put his suitcase in the corner of the room as Olivia opened the closet and began to hang her things inside.

"That's better," she said closing the closet door. "Now what?"

"Well, have you ever been fishing?"

"Fishing?" she asked scrunching up her nose at the thought of baiting a hook. "I thought we already covered this? I am not touching a worm….or a fish."

Elliot laughed.

"No," he laughed again, "we can save that adventure for another day."

"I am a city girl, El. Manhattan born and raised. The only fish I touch was prepared by Mr. Fijuwachi at the Japanese Garden."

She chuckled.

"I'll give you that. What about a walk? It is beautiful outside and the sun will be setting before long. It might be nice to walk around and see the rest of the property. And take advantage of the fresh air out here."

"I'm up for that."

They walked around outside for a little while exploring the property. They didn't speak much, but the beauty of the country around them provided a great distraction from the rush of their city lives. They sat beside the lake for a while and Elliot showed her how to skip a rock across the water. The simplest things seemed to please her most right now.

It was the last day of May and the sun was hot up in the sky. He held up his pant legs and she held the ruffled skirt of her sun dress as they walked around in the water a bit in an attempt to cool off. Elliot held her hands to help guide her across some of the slippery rocks, but things took a turn for the worse when he himself slipped and fell, pulling her in with him.

When they both surfaced from the water Olivia looked mortified. Elliot waited for a moment expecting her to get angry and start yelling at him, but she didn't. He watched as she raised her hand from the water and brushed the wet hair back from her face.

"Liv, I am so sorry. I didn't do it on purpose, I swear."

Olivia drew a staggered breath and stared at him blankly for a moment. Elliot watched closely, feeling horrible that she was about to cry once more.

But she didn't.

Instead, Olivia stood from the water, brushing the ruffles of the now soaked dress back into place. She pressed her lips together and turned in an attempt to walk back to the bank. Her attempt failed.

Elliot watched as she slipped again and fell back into the water once more.

"Liv, are you okay?" he asked making his way over to check on her.

Olivia sat looking like a drowned rat with layers of yellow sun dress floating up around her. Elliot reached out to brush the hair from her face and it appeared as if she were crying.

"Let me help you up," he said struggling to stand. "This was a bad idea. We should get you back inside."

But as he attempted to stand, she broke out in laughter. Elliot turned to look over at her as she leaned back a bit and moved her legs around in the water. He watched confused as she seemed to laugh uncontrollably.

"Olivia? Are you okay?"

"I look like Hell," she laughed as she stared at her reflection in the water. "Like some sea monster or the creature from the black lagoon," she giggled. "This is awful," she choked out laughing hysterically.

Elliot blinked as he began to smile as well. This was the first time he had heard her laugh in weeks.

"Let's get you inside," he said standing and reaching for her hand.

"El, we're already wet," she replied pushing back into the deeper water. "Com swim with me."

"Swim with you?"

"Yea," she laughed. "The water feels great."

Elliot scratched his head still feeling a bit confused.

"Okay, if you are sure."

"I'm sure," she replied moving closer and reaching out for his hand. "Swim with me."

Elliot placed his hand in hers and made his way out into the water next to her.

"It does feel nice."

"Beats the heat, right? It really is beautiful out here," she said looking around them at miles and miles of countryside with no other people in sight. "Peaceful."

"I was hoping you would like it."

Olivia smiled and splashed water at him as she swam away from him. He chased after her and they splashed around for a little while in the summer air. They swam around chasing each other in the water.

Once when Elliot had actually caught her, the world was still around them for a moment as they remained there, treading water and staring into each other's eyes. In that moment, he had almost forgotten about all of the heartache that had taken place over the last couple of weeks and the only thing that crossed his mind was how much he still loved her.

Without thinking, he began to lean slowly forward in an attempt to kiss her. But just before their lips met, Olivia caught herself and pulled away from him. She stared nervously at him and that carefree spirit in her was gone.

"I'm sorry," she said softly as she swam over to the bank and climbed from the water.

Elliot was so angry with himself for letting anything happen. He scoffed and made a growling noise as he ducked under the water once more then climbed out as well.

"Olivia, wait," he said running to catch up with her. "I apologize. That was completely inappropriate and those were not my intentions, I swear."

"I know," she said with a nod as she turned to face him. "I'm just kind of messed up right now. You know? And I can't get into any kind of relationship until I can pull myself together and figure out what the hell is wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you. You lost your child. And you are mourning that loss. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. And you need a friend. Your best friend. Not some jerk trying to put the moves on you."

"It wasn't only you, Elliot. I almost kissed you, too. And I am sorry if I have mislead you, I didn't intend to. I do care very much about you," she said as her tears began to flow once more, "but this is not at all what I want right now."

"I understand," he said wiping a tear from her cheek and hugging her. "I will behave, I promise. Why don't you stand here and I will go in and get us some towels. That way we don't make as much mess inside."

"Okay," she agreed, watching as he stripped down to his boxer shorts and entered the cabin.

He returned a few minutes later and held up a towel in front of her as she stepped out of her wet clothes. He wrapped her in the warmth of the dry towel as they made their way back inside.

"There is a clothes line out back. I'll go out and hang up our wet clothes in a little while and they will be dry by tomorrow," he suggested. "You can have the first shower," he replied watching as she shivered a bit.

"Why don't you go first?"

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yea, it only takes you a few minutes. By the time I get my clothes ready you will be done. Go ahead."

"Okay," he replied stepping into the bathroom with his towel around his waist.

Olivia clutched her towel with one hand and dug through her clothes with the other. Finally she spotted Elliot's suitcase across the room and smiled.

Moments later Elliot stepped out of the shower and she climbed in. he made his way into the bedroom to see one of his tee shirts and a pair of his pajama pants laid out on the bed for her to wear after her shower.

He smiled. It made him happy that she still found some comfort in wearing his old clothes. He grabbed another change of clothes from the suitcase and got dressed.

He walked back outside and picked up their wet clothing spreading it out to dry on the clothes line in the now evening sun. He looked back at the little lake behind him and smiled remembering her laughter once more. It really seemed like Olivia was coming back around to her old self.

Back inside the cabin, Elliot started dinner. He prepared spaghetti with garlic bread and a salad, then set the table with two candles and two glasses of wine.

"There," he said stepping back after lighting the second candle to look at his finished project.

He suddenly realized that the shower hadn't been running for some time now and Olivia hadn't reappeared from the bedroom. Worried she was feeling bad again, he took a sip from his wine glass, then picked hers up and made his way into the bedroom.

He could see her standing in front of the mirror the moment he stepped into the room. But it wasn't until he got a little closer that he realized exactly what she was doing.

"Olivia, don't!" he shouted dropping a full glass of red wine onto the floor as he shoved her hand back, pushing his service weapon from her mouth and causing her to drop it on the dresser.

Olivia broke down crying as she fell into the floor.

"What the Hell were you thinking?" he shouted picking the gun up and emptying the clip into his palm. "You can't do this! I won't let you do this!"

Olivia just cried and shook her head as he dragged her by the arm out the front door to watch him throw all of the bullets into the water.

Back inside, Elliot blew out the candles and put the put dinner away for some other day. Thinking back, he couldn't believe he had yelled at her. But he couldn't believe that things had gotten that bad for her and he hadn't noticed either. He looked over at Olivia, sitting on the couch curled up in a blanket, still crying.

In her hand, she clutched a wet wash cloth to absorb the blood that now flowed from her mouth.

"How are you doing?" Elliot asked softly sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of her. "Are you okay? Can I take a look?" he asked half scared he'd knocked her teeth out when he jerked the gun away from her.

Olivia stared into his eyes and said nothing as she lowered the wash cloth and opened her mouth for him to look inside. Elliot tipped her head back and attempted to search for a wound.

"I can't tell what is bleeding."

"I think it cut the roof of my mouth," she said softly.

"You should rinse your mouth out with warm salt water. It will help stop the bleeding."

She blinked, then calmly stood and made her way to the kitchen where he handed a mug of the salty concoction.

"I wasn't a hundred percent sure I hadn't knocked out your teeth," he said in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I never meant to hurt you," he said feeling a bit guilty.

"I'll be fine."

"What in the world were you thinking? You scared me to death."

"I just wanted the pain to stop," she gasped as tears filled her eyes once more.

"Liv, killing yourself is never the answer. How long have you been thinking about this?"

She shook her head.

"I'm just so tired. And so tired of hurting and missing him. I'm so tired of taking medication that is supposed to make this better and just feeling worse. I got out of the shower and was standing at the dresser drying my hair. And I felt overwhelmed and started to cry again. I just wanted a way to make the pain go away. And as I struggled to get the cap off of my medication that doesn't even work, I saw the gun laying there on the dresser. I just…." she paused to stare at him and notice he was crying as well.

Olivia started to cry once more and made her way into the bedroom once more. Moments later Elliot laid down beside her on the bed. He stared into her sad eyes in silence trying hard to understand what she was feeling.

"I know how hard this is, Liv. I miss him too."

"I wouldn't have done it, Elliot."

"What?"

"I wouldn't have gone through with it," she sobbed. "I'm a coward. And I couldn't do it. No matter how bad I hurt. No matter how bad I wanted to. I had stood there with that gun in my mouth trying to find the courage for five minutes before you walked in. I was scared and I just couldn't do it."

"Thank God for that," he said brushing his thumb across her forehead and kissing it. "Liv, I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you. I love you and I need you. You are my best friend. You have to talk to me. That is what I am here for. We have to help each other through this. You have to promise me that you are never going to try anything like this again."

"I promise," she whispered as she felt the cold of the handcuffs close around her wrist.

"Elliot? What are you…..you're handcuffing me to the bed?" she asked looking a bit confused.

"I'm not letting you out of my sight," he replied closing the other end around his wrist. "Where you go, I go."

Olivia jerked her wrist and turned it to look at the cuffs.

"Are you serious? If this is a joke, it isn't funny."

"Do I look like I'm joking?" he asked fluffing his pillow and settling into it.

"I just promised you that I wouldn't do anything like that again."

"Just the same, I think it's safer this way. It's been a long day. Try to get some sleep," he said closing his eyes.

"What if I have to pee?" she asked in protest.

"Then wake me up. And I hope you can handle everything with one hand," he replied exhaling deeply.

Olivia stared at him in a moment in disbelief, before finally settling into the pillow beside him.

That night a summer storm fell upon them and somewhere between the thunder and lightening, Elliot found her wrapped up tight in his arms sleeping like an angel. He smiled and kissed the top of her head as he pulled the blankets up around her and closed his eyes once more.

The next morning he awoke to find himself all stretched out alone in bed. Dangling from his wrist were the handcuffs, with one end empty and Olivia was nowhere in sight.

"Shit!" she said as he scrambled from the bed.

He ran to check the bathroom, but she wasn't there. Elliot then dashed into the empty living room and threw open the front door to look outside, but he didn't see her there either. He stepped back inside and leaned against the wall for a moment. He closed his eyes and smoothed his hands over his face racking his brain to think of where she could be.

"Looking for something?" Olivia asked as he opened his eyes to see her standing on the other side of the kitchen counter holding two cups of coffee.

"How did you….?"

She smiled and sat a cup down on the counter for him.

"My wrist is much smaller than yours," she reminded him.

He watched as she held her hand up in front of him and folded her thumb over in front of her other four fingers.

"It slid right out," she said shrugging her shoulders.

"That isn't funny. You scared me to death."

"I promised you that I wouldn't try anything like that again. And I won't. I am sorry for everything. I don't know what came over me. But I am feeling better now. And I made breakfast."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"What did you make?"

"Spaghetti," she said with a smile as she pulled a plate from the microwave.

Elliot helped her to reset the table and they sat down to eat together.

"I don't think you should take anymore of those pills," he suggested as she took a bite of food.

Olivia raised her eyes and stared at him.

"I was thinking, a lot of these antidepressants list among their side effects that they can cause suicidal thoughts."

"Why would they prescribe something for depression if it makes people suicidal?"

"It makes some people have thoughts of suicide. Not everyone who takes it has that problem. And I am sure that it helps some people. I just think that if this particular medication makes you feel more depressed and makes you want to sleep all of the time and have thoughts of suicide, maybe this isn't the right medication for you. I think we should talk to your doctor about prescribing something different, finding something that works better for you."

"Do you think I need therapy?"

Elliot just about choked.

"Liv, that isn't what I was trying to say at all."

"No, I know. But honestly, I have not been myself for a while now. Do you think that I should start seeing a therapist?"

"If you think it will help you feel better. Maybe you could try it and decide if it helps you or not. It doesn't hurt to try. And if it makes you feel better, then it is definitely worth it."

"I am scared, El."

"Scared of what, honey?"

"All of these people want me to get better, feel better. They want me to be able to pick myself up and move on with my life and get to a place where being without Greyson doesn't hurt so much anymore. And I am so scared….I don't want to forget him."

"Sweetheart, we will never forget him. No one will. I promise you that. We just have to find a way to keep living our lives."

"I know. It is just still so hard to imagine that we will never see him or hold him again. We will never hear his little giggles or first words. We will never see his first steps and teach him how to swim or ride a bike. Our son is just gone. And all people can say is _sometimes it happens_. I guess it is just a little hard to except, you know? And truthfully, some days I don't feel like getting out of bed and all I want to do is sleep. I am probably always going to have those days, Elliot."

"And that 's okay. We just have to work on things so that there are fewer of those days and the other days are easier to face."

Elliot reached out and placed his hand on hers.

"I just want to help you to feel better. To be able to have happy days instead of moments, without feeling guilty about them like you do now. You deserve to be happy, Olivia. I miss your smile. And I miss your laugh."

Olivia looked up at him and smiled slowly.

"I know you are concerned about me. But I wish you wouldn't worry so much."

"I worry because I care. I love you."

"I know you do. I love you, too. And you are absolutely right. I have a problem and I need help."

"You are not in this alone," he reminded her.


	13. 13) A Safe Place

_The Proposal_

_(Chapter Thirteen: A Safe Place)_

_**THREE WEEKS LATER…**_

Elliot folded up a little blue receiving blanket and placed it in to a box next to a stack of unworn baby clothes. He exhaled and pulled a screwdriver from his back pocket as he began to disassemble the crib Greyson would never sleep in.

An hour later, he turned off the vacuum cleaner as he heard the front door of the apartment close. He straightened the bedspread on the bed in Olivia's room, then headed down the hall to greet her.

"Hey you," he said as she hung her jacket in the closet and set her purse on the arm of the sofa.

"Hi," she replied forcing a smile.

"How did it go?"

"Fine."

"Fine? Just fine?"

"Elliot it was my first day with a new therapist….it isn't like it was a job interview or something."

"Didn't go well, huh?"

She pressed her lips together to form a frown.

"She's nosey."

"Nosey?" Elliot laughed. "Liv, it is her job to ask you about the details of your life and try to help you figure things out. That's what you pay her for."

"I guess. I just thought it would be different."

"How?" he asked opening the refrigerator door and pulling out stuff to make her a sandwich as she sat down at the counter.

"Well, I went there to talk about losing Greyson and she asked me a billion and five questions that had nothing to do with the baby."

"Like what?"

"Like….she asked me about you."

"Me?"

"How we met. And how long I have known you and…." Olivia exhaled in annoyance.

"And?"

"And Alex. I didn't want to talk about you and Alex."

"Well, what did she say about me and Alex?" he asked out of curiosity.

"El, it is therapy, it is supposed to be confidential," she replied as he handed her a turkey club sandwich. "I love, by the way that you cut the crust off for me."

"You hate the crust."

Olivia smiled as she chewed a bite of food.

"You make the best sandwiches," she mumbled with her mouth full.

Elliot sat down across from her and stared into her eyes.

"Okay, okay," she exhaled. "But for the record, I do not agree with a word she said. And I am thinking of finding a different therapist."

"She isn't always supposed to agree with you," he said with a smile. "What did she say?"

Olivia stared at him for a moment then shifted her eyes to stare at the floor.

"She said that she thinks I broke things off with Alex because I am still harboring feelings for you."

Elliot blinked as she slowly rolled her eyes up to meet his once more.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"A little pissed off. She doesn't know me or Alex or you. And the last thing I need is a complete stranger meddling in my love life. I don't even want a love life."

"I think she is just trying to help, Liv."

"I know. I just don't want to hear her opinions about me and you."

"Opinions?"

"I don't need some stranger telling me how I make bad choices. Or what a loser I am. I went to her because I was depressed over the death of my child and she didn't even want to talk about that. She said we will get to it next time. But I don't know if there is going to be a next time. I don't think I want to go back."

"Maybe she thinks that some of this stuff with Alex and I could be part of the problem."

"You are my best friend and my baby's father. How could you possibly be part of the problem?"

"Not just me, Olivia. The situation. It is no secret that I am still very much in love with you. I don't want you to be worried, I know you are not looking for anything like that right now and I am not going to try anything. But I do love you. I am in love with you. I probably always will be. And I know that Alex feels the same way about you. And even before we lost Greyson, all we did was argue and fight over you and over him…we didn't exactly make things easy on you. I know that you care very deeply for us both. And I know that you would never willingly do anything to hurt either of us. But trying to mediate between the two of us is stressful."

"You're not fighting anymore."

"No, but it didn't help when we were. And we haven't exactly been friends for quite some time now. But we could both be a little more understanding."

"You have been understanding. You are what has pulled me through this whole thing."

"And Alex?"

"Alex would be understanding if she was speaking to me."

"I guess I didn't think about that. Are things really that bad between the two of you?"

"She was hurt," Olivia said softly. "she knew things were shaky between us, but when I broke it off….it solidified the fact that we were not going to be together anymore. At least right now. She was crushed. I could see it. Sometimes I just wish that things had never changed and we had all just stayed friends. Maybe this therapist is right. I do make horrible choices."

"Stop beating yourself up," Elliot replied kissing her on the forehead as he cleared away the dirty dishes. "That baby was not a bad decision. We are adults. We talked about it and we planned that pregnancy," he said forcing a smile. "We planned a life with that beautiful little boy, then we lost him. And none of that was because of you."

Olivia exhaled.

"Still, I don't think I'm going back."

"Sweetheart, I really wish you wouldn't give up on this therapist so quickly. Give it a few more sessions, give it a couple of weeks."

"Maybe I will," she said forcing a smile. "So what did you do today?"

"Well, this morning I finished up some paperwork. Then I went shopping, since you clearly have not bought groceries in over a month. I cleaned your apartment from top to bottom."

"You cleaned my apartment?" she asked with a smile.

"Yup. And now that we have had some lunch, I think I am gonna grab a quick shower if you don't mind."

"No, go ahead. Oh and El…."

"Yea?" he asked stopping outside the bathroom to look back at her.

"Thank you. You know, for staying here and taking such good care of me. I know my couch cannot be that comfortable."

"It's not that bad. And I want to be here if you need me."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

The apartment was strangely quiet when Elliot came out of the bathroom.

"I was thinking we could rent a movie tonight," he said returning to the living room, but she wasn't there. "Olivia?" he called stepping into the empty bedroom. "What the…?"

Turning to head back down the hallway, he noticed the door to the nursery was opened.

"Liv?" he said stepping into the empty room to see her sitting in the corner crying.

"What did you do?" she sobbed looking up at him with sad eyes.

Elliot felt a knot rise in his throat.

"I…I thought you wanted me to."

"What did you do?" she shouted this time standing up and demanding an explanation. "Get out."

"What?"

"Get out!" she yelled at him, now crying so hard she could hardly breathe as she pointed down the hallway toward the door.

"Okay," he agreed as he walked out the door.

Olivia collapsed in the floor of the nursery and cried.

The next afternoon Elliot sat at his desk trying to work, but finding it really hard to concentrate. He punched around on his keyboard for a while, then resorted to checking his email and surfing the internet from his computer. A few hours later he stood up to get another cup of coffee, just as Alex walked in with a file on a case they had been working on.

"Hi," she said nervously as he smiled at her.

"Hi."

"I told Fin I would bring by these notes so he could look over them before court tomorrow."

"He and Munch are out right now, but I can make sure he gets them."

"Thanks. So, how are you? How are things?"

"How's Olivia?" he replied as she smiled a guilty smile.

"She had been good. Until yesterday."

"What happened yesterday?"

"I was an idiot," he said as he exhaled and dropped back into his chair. "I thought I was doing something nice for her and it backfired. I ended up hurting her in the process."

"Did you apologize?"

"I don't think this is something that 'I'm sorry' can fix, Alex."

"Well, have you tried?"

"I have tried to call her a dozen times and texted her twice that much. She is not speaking to me. It was bad."

"Do you want to talk about it? Over lunch, maybe?"

"Are you asking me on a date? I didn't think I was really your type."

Alex smiled.

"Oh, you're not. I just figured we had a little more in common now that Olivia isn't speaking to either one of us. She broke up with me. She doesn't want to date me anymore. I'm not even sure she wants to date women anymore. There is nothing I can do to fix that. But the two of you are best friends, dating or not, she needs you in her life. And you need her. Even if you are too stubborn to admit it. That…that, I would like to help you fix. I will even buy."

"I don't know."

"Come on, Elliot. It isn't only you and Olivia's friendship I am trying to fix here. I guess I was still hoping for the change to try to salvage one of our own."

"Alright," Elliot agreed.

"So, what exactly did you do that was so bad?" Alex asked taking a bite of her salad.

"It wasn't so bad, Alex. It was awful."

"I cant help you if I don't know what you did."

"I cleaned out the nursery."

"You did what?"

"Olivia and I talked about it a couple of weeks ago. She actually asked me to do it."

"Wait, if she asked you then what was the problem?"

"She wasn't ready. She said she was, I thought she was," he said shaking his head. "I thought it would be easier for her if I did it while she was out. And I have been so busy with work, yesterday was really the first time I had the time alone in the apartment to get it done."

"You thought you were doing something good. And I am sure that she isn't really angry with you. She is just….emotional. This is a tough thing for you both and she probably doesn't even realize that you did it to try to help her."

"Yea, well, I think I may have destroyed her."

"Don't give up on her. She'll come around. Just give her a little time."

"That is harder than it sounds. It killed me to see her crying. And it was even worse knowing that it was my fault."

"But you have sent her like a hundred texts, she knows that you didn't mean it."

"That's not all I did."

Alex stopped chewing and rolled her eyes up from her plate to look at him.

"What else did you do?"

"He sent me the biggest bunch of roses I have ever seen in my life," Olivia said from across the room.

Alex and Elliot both turned to look at her.

"Cragen told me you were here," she said softly biting her lower lip.

"Olivia, I am so sorry," Elliot replied.

"I know. Alex, do you think I could talk to Elliot alone for a few minutes?"

Alex looked at Elliot and smiled.

"Sure. I have to get back to work anyway. I've got this," she replied picking up the bill from the table.

"Thanks again, Alex."

"You guys had lunch together?"

"We did. We are working on this friendship thing."

"El, I shouldn't have yelled at you. And I am so sorry," she said starting to tear up.

"No, I should have talked to you before I did….what I did. Liv, I never would have if I thought for a second that if would hurt you like that."

Olivia exhaled.

"We did talk about it. And we agreed. I asked you to take care of the nursery and we agreed to donate everything. I asked you to do it and then I freaked out. I guess I just wasn't expecting to see that room so empty."

"I was planning on telling you. I should have told you right away instead of letting you just walk in and find it like that. We started talking about your appointment and it just slipped my mind. I can put it all back. If that is what you want, I'll do it tonight."

"You can get it all back?"

"Well, I didn't exactly donate it. I know that was what we agreed to do, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Everything from the nursery is in the back of a moving van I rented, parked on the street in front of your apartment. I got a storage unit across town and I thought I would just put the stuff there for a while. I thought maybe that way, when you decide you are ready, someday we would have it if we decide to try to have another baby. Well, not necessarily us, but you."

"Elliot, I honestly don't know if I will ever be ready to try again. I don't think I want another baby. Ever. I just can't risk it. I couldn't handle going through this again. I won't survive it. I am barely surviving it this time."

Elliot reached out his hand and placed it against hers. He raised it up and spread her fingertips apart with his as he stared into her eyes.

"They finally put up his headstone," Elliot whispered. "I went by there yesterday and it looks nice."

Olivia wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand.

"People keep saying this gets easier. When does it get easier?"

"I don't know. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know."

"I saw my therapist again this morning. And I can't help but wonder if she is right."

"About what?"

"Elliot, I don't know if I can't give up on us, because of us or because of him. I'm not saying that I want a romantic relationship right now, just that I think maybe I am still hung up on what we once had. But things have changed. For the worse, even. She seems to think that somehow….in my mind….with everything that has gone on, I am trying to retreat to a safe place."

Elliot nodded trying to understand what she was explaining to him.

"You are my safe place, Elliot."

"And I am happy to be."

She smiled a soft smile.

"I have not been able to bring myself to visit Greyson's grave since the funeral," she said exhaling softly.

"I can go with you, if you'd like. It might be easier if you had someone with you….if you weren't alone."

Olivia took a deep breath to consider it.

"Let's take a walk. You and I, we can just take a little time out and go for a walk in the park….get some fresh air. Then if you decide you'd like to go, I will take you."

"El, it's freezing outside. And it is snowing again."

"It isn't that cold," he chuckled. "It is warmer today. The sun is out and the wind isn't as rough as it has been. And you have your furry coat."

"Furry coat?" she asked and couldn't help but smile.

Elliot smiled as he stood and held up her black knee length fur lined trench coat.

"Yea, it is all soft and fuzzy. Come on, it will I think we could both use some fresh air. And I will buy you a cup of hot cocoa."

Olivia slipped her arms into her coat and pressed her lips together considering his proposal. Elliot gazed into her eyes and watched as a smile slowly spread across her face.

"Throw in a handful of those mini marshmallows and you've got yourself a deal," she said and he couldn't help but smile as well.

"Anything you'd like."

They walked around for a while talking about anything and everything to keep from talking about losing their son. Then they sat on a bench together near the water and drinking their cocoa and shared a bag of roasted chestnuts from a venders cart.

She seemed in a good mood, she smiled a lot and even laughed a few times. But there in the shadows of her glassy eyes, just behind the glimmer of hope she put forward, he could see the sadness and despair she was trying so desperately to hide from the world. She wasn't even close to moving forward and healing from the pain of losing Greyson, but it wasn't because she wasn't trying. She was giving it one hell of a shot.

It wasn't until that moment that Elliot, himself, realized that maybe he wasn't quite as healed as he thought he was either. And that somewhere deep inside, he was just as damaged and torn apart as she was.

He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath of the cold wintry air feeling its piercing sting in his lungs like a million tiny needles. Then he opened his eyes and turned his head to look over at her, just as beautiful as the day they met so many years earlier. The day she stole his heart.

Elliot watched her stare out at the water with her white gloves and Styrofoam cup between her hands. He remembered back to the days when they were a couple, how they used to sit on this very bench and feed the ducks in the spring. How she would curl up in his arms and they would just sit here watching the sunset and the world go by. This was their place. Their little escape from the rest of the world, the place they went to be alone. And that was why he brought her here today.

They had shared a hundred lunches, two dozen picnics, eight birthday wishes over candle lit cupcakes, six bottles of wine, a couple of broken hearts and a first kiss on this bench. This was the exact spot Elliot was sitting when he first realized that he was truly in love with her. There was no doubt in his mind that he still loved her. No doubt that he always would.

"Elliot," Olivia said softly turning her eyes to meet his as a crisp breeze blew through her hair.

"Yea?"

"Will you take me there? To the grave, I mean. I know it will be hard, but I feel like as his mother I need to go. I can't do it alone. And I don't want to go there with anyone but you."

Elliot brushed away her tears and gently kissed her cheek.

"Of course I'll take you there. I will take you there any time you'd like."

He raised his arm as Olivia leaned into him and he just held her for a moment.

Half an hour later they climbed from the back of a taxi and made their way to the middle of a small cemetery. In a small section on the left side, next to the grave of her mother, Serena Benson, set a small headstone that marked the place where they had laid their infant son to rest weeks earlier.

Olivia smiled at the sight of the freshly arranged flowers that had been placed on the grave….both graves. They were still alive and full of color and she knew they couldn't have been there more than a day or two because they were not frozen or packed in snow.

"You brought flowers?" she asked tipping her head to look over her shoulder at Elliot as he smiled.

"I try to get out here about once a week."

"You put them on my mother's grave as well. That was sweet of you."

Elliot smiled.

"Well, I kind of owe her. Without her, there would have been no you. And without you….I would be lost. And we never would have had our beautiful son."

She watched with tears in her eyes as Elliot choked on his words and began to cry.

"He's an angel now, Liv. Like his grandma. And I know that she will make sure to take good care of him."

Olivia closed her eyes and hugged him tight as she cried into his chest. Elliot wrapped his arms around her and just held her. They knelt there in the snow beside the headstone holding each other and just cried until there were no tears left to cry.

Elliot kissed the top of her head, then Olivia pulled back to stare into his eyes.

"Thank you," she said softly. "For him," she whispered as she placed a soft kiss against Elliot's lips.

He watched as she turned her attention once more to the little headstone. Reaching out, she traced her fingertip over the letters spelling out their little boy's name. Then he watched as she pulled a single red rose from inside her coat and laid it in the bit of snow on the top of the headstone.

"He would have been two months old, today," she said looking at him with heartache in her eyes. "Sleep well, little man," she whispered softly as Elliot squeezed her hand in his. "You will always be mommy and daddy's little angel."

That night Elliot laid beside Olivia in her bed. He stared at her across the bed in the darkness.

"Tell me what you are thinking," he said softly raising his arm for her to slide in against him so he could hold her once more.

"I think I would have liked being a mother."

Elliot smiled.

"You would have been good at it."

"Do you really think so?"

"I know so."

Olivia smiled a weary smile as he combed his fingers lovingly through her hair.

"Thank you for saving his bear for me," she whispered resting her eyes on the teddy bear sitting on her dresser across the room and Elliot smiled.

"I thought you would rather keep that here then boxed up with the other things in storage."

"It is so hard to think about and I know that nothing could ever replace him in our hearts….I know I said that I never wanted another baby. But I can't somehow, somewhere inside, there is this part of me that still really wants to be a mother."

Elliot smiled again.

"I know I am not in any way ready for that. I am not even emotionally stable right now. But it is something I cannot help but think about."

"You just need some time to heal. Time for you, to process things and start to feel like yourself again. Things are never going to be exactly the same as they were before. And we will always have an empty place inside our hearts where our son should have been. But I think if you feel like you would like to eventually try to have another baby, then that is exactly what you should do. Not right now. But when you know you are ready. I would love to try to have another child with you. I mean, if you would like to have another one with me."

Olivia smiled.

"We make really beautiful babies," she whispered.

"Yes, we do," he agreed.

"Someday," she said softly. "Someday, you and I will have another baby. Not now. But maybe next year or….something."

"When ever you are ready," Elliot promised as he kissed her forehead once more.

He took a deep breath and pulled the blankets up around them as Olivia settled into his arms and closed her eyes. He watched her for a while, holding her tight as she laid there sleeping peacefully in her safe place.


End file.
